If it’s not obvious, trust BUT verify. As I get older I have little patience in trying to understand those that live in the grey area, sit on the fence or say one thing and do something else. I have written about this before and my response is that I try to adhere to the 70/30 rule. Most of the time we live in the “rule” and not the exception. Unfortunately we also live in a world where even something as obvious as the “majority rules” is sometimes up for interpretation by people that want to justify bad choices.
Focus on 70 percent being absolutely wonderful and the other 30 percent accepting challenges that will build your fine character. There will always be 30 percent of something that needs tweeking. Including relationships, money, career, etc. If you are in a relationship that is 30/70, then obviously something needs to change so the flip-side is 70/30.
There are countless times when somebody asks for advice about whether they should stay with their married boyfriend or keep staying in a long distance relationship with someone who doesn’t want to move closer to them. The best thing you can do is get a grip and start accepting the reality of your life. Most of the time be happy that your life lives by the “rule” and not by the “exception.” I’ve had a blessed life and a very difficult one so parts of my life have been the exception rather than the rule. Most of my relationships though have been a big and utter flop and many times I was well aware of this from the beginning. My biggest red flag has always been the constant going back and forth. Men only get away with what you are going to let them get away with. They have no remorse or guilt for the things they do if you allow them to continue doing things to you: control, manipulation, guilt etc. Even when they say they are doing those things out of love.
Another quote a friend of mine would always say is “She can have all the evidence in the world, but what she really wants is a confession.” The “rule” gives you evidence galore but we still wait out for the exception. We latch on to little bits of hope and over analyze the exception hoping that means our unrequited love will be returned.
I read an article by Mark Manson, author of a few books on dating and anxiety summed up a rule that he goes by when it comes to dating and relationships but this could apply anywhere. It’s called the Fuck Yes or Fuck No rule. Manson calls this the grey area of dating where we try to analyze and overcome the ambiguous feelings of another person. Love is not that hard people, selfishness is what makes it hard and the willingness to stay in the grey area because they want their cake and they want to eat it too.
It should be no surprise that the dating and marriage industry makes so much money. They make money off of hope while most of us singles muddy our way through the ambiguous. This is why I will never online date again. I’ve had terrible luck with online dating. I do much better meeting people offline and I’m old enough at 35 years of age to have been married and had a family. My priority is not starting another family. While I would be willing to have another child if the man I love wants one, it’s not a priority for me right now. I’m looking for a fulfilling and exciting partnership.
The coffee date
Most recently I had a last minute date with someone who was very insistent we go out on a date. So I met him for coffee. I was working at a food pantry so I was not wearing makeup and generally bummy looking. It was an awkward date. I didn’t want to be there because my mind is out of sorts when I don’t have the details taken cared of. I don’t like being out in public without makeup and all that. Apparently he didn’t have a problem with it. I ended up telling him the next day the following:
I am too emotionally unavailable to date. Not just unavailable but devoid of emotion. My devotion is to my work and the mission of my work which is my true love and passion. I hate cliche’s but It’s Not You, It’s Me! I can’t date you.
Maybe I was a little bit too over-dramatic and a bit much. I didn’t have the fuck yeah feeling with him. Maybe it was because he came across as a tad bit vulgar and brusque. I know I have silly rules but it’s from years of experience. I’m not about to waste babysitting money on a bad date. He broke rule #1 – he started talking about good he was in bed. He also broke rule #2 – started saying bad things about his ex and not just his ex but every other crazy woman he’s dated. Then he broke rule #3 – demonstrated his lack of confidence by pointing out to me why he is short. (I didn’t notice and then he started pointing out and it became a turn off.). I think the #1 thing that turned me off about him was when I asked why it didn’t work out with his ex wife and he said “She can’t admit she’s wrong.” That is like a neon sign telling me that this guy can’t communicate. I must reiterate what difference does it make for someone to ADMIT they are wrong?
All I can say is stop trying to analyze someone else’s behavior. Quit buying self help dating books and guides. It’s not THEM, it’s you. Simple! Accept the reality of your life and move forward. Work on dating you!