My middle daughter does not have a father that is active in her life. His exact email/message to me was specific. He didn’t want to be involved unless he had to pay child support because he could barely afford to take care of himself.
That’s it in a nutshell. Explaining to a 4 year old in simple terms that her father doesn’t want to be her dad is difficult. I don’t believe in sugar coating the truth. I told her countless times as well as a few other times that her daddy was not capable of being a dad so chose not to be in her life. Since those are his words that’s what I use. As far as she knows, she doesn’t have a dad unlike her brother and sister who have dads. I already got a yelling from a judge that I was the dumb one to have babies with idiots so no judgment on my life is needed here. I could have chosen abstinence (which sounds like a great idea now) or had an abortion (I don’t believe in) and of course I didn’t choose any of that. So I take care of my daughter in the best way I know how without a dad.
It didn’t occur to me she needed a dad
It never really occurred to me that she even needed a dad. In our day to day lives we have our routines and our schedules. I do what I need to do in order to feed the children. If you are new to the site you will know that when I use the term feed the children I am talking about taking care of my responsibilities. The things you need to do every day to provide security and put a roof over your head and those of your loved ones. The last man I dated mentioned to me that Baby B REALLY WANTS A DADDY! I remember hearing those words and it took me a step back. I always just assumed as a single mom it would always be just her and I (along with her brother and sister of course). I thought we were both in it for the long haul. Baby B and I are the outcasts in society looking for love finding it only with each other. It wasn’t until I saw how people responded to her that I even thought about it.
She’s my mini Snow White
Animals and people are attracted to my daughter. She has this fun loving quality that draws people to her. She takes direction very well and for the most part is very well behaved. The worker at Legoland saw her enthusiasm to race Lego cars with the boys and built a car for her. My ex loved giving her piggy back rides. My daughter still prays for him before she goes to bed. My friend from Houston who is a single guy loves playing with her as well. There was only one person that she knew as my boyfriend and that was my son’s dad. Other than that I made a vow not to really introduce the kids until it was serious. I mean men would play with the kids and we’d go out together but it was never something that established this person as my romantic partner. As far as she knows, these are just “fun guys” that do fun things like buy her stuff, take us for ice cream, go to Build A Bear etc.
She doesn’t need a dad
Baby B does in fact need a dad but this person has to be in love with me, her mother first. One of the things that rubbed me the wrong way was a friend of mine who enjoys spending time with her when we are together. I don’t view him in a romantic manner but some of the things he does rubs me the wrong way. For instance he mentioned her eating habits one day. My child eats very well when I am around. But since she ate sparsely with him he began asking me about whether she takes vitamins or not. The part that rubs me the wrong way is that I don’t like being told what to do. I like to be told logically or coaxed into new thinking but don’t enjoy declarative statements. If my daughter is to be blessed with a male role model in her life I can assure you it would be someone that has my approval first. If she is going to have a dad, it will be the man that I marry. If her real dad doesn’t want to be a dad, I’m sure whoever I get involved with romantically (who I am willing to put up with) that eventually wants to settle down would be willing to first accept her and of course then adopt her. There is no grey area there. My daughter has a lot of wonderful male role models such as my friends, my family, my dad and so she is blessed to have them as examples.
I have no advice on introducing your significant other to your kids. I know what I did and I was happy with what happened even if we ended up breaking up. The key is communication that is open and friendly with your child. As far as the dad discussion, I don’t exactly date just on who would be a good dad. While that is one aspect of choosing a lifetime partner there are so many other things. Instinct and your gut play a big role in it. At this time, Baby B doesn’t need a dad, she already has one and it’s his choice not to be involved. I’m sure in the future things may look different, but I think we are doing a great job now.