The other day a friend of mine sent me this video of an interview between comedian Aziz Ansari and Conan O’Brien. He likens dating to being a “secretary of a crappy organization, making appointments with really flaky people.” I posted it onto my Facebook page.
I then sent it off to a friend of mine who I met on Tinder and actually every other single person that I know. Single people, like zombies can congregate in groups like herds, swarms etc feeding on the latest and greatest dating app like the need to eat human brains. Here’s the thing about dating in 2014 as portrayed in the video above, it’s scary and a big time waster – – but is it worth it.
For me one of the scariest things about dating in today’s age is LACK of effort. On both sides. Lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, lack of mojo, and overall lack of effort. As a single mom where time is a precious commodity I don’t have time to entertain someone who is bored and not willing to put forth effort. Yet I have to also be clear about what I want, be truthful and call it when I see it. If I put in the effort, the quality will come.
My biggest fear realized – I’m a doormat
One of the things I realized over the week is that I am a doormat. I just had a guy I recently broke up with explain to me how much better he is doing at his relationship now and I should be proud of him. Yeah the whole idea was for he and I to have a great relationship with me and not somebody else. Or how about a doctor who I barely remember sending me a text out of the blue asking me for tips on places women will want to be approached because he spends all of his time at the gym, the hospital and the grocery store and doesn’t want to “make less money” having to attend social events. I often wonder why people ask me for advice and I realize its because I’m a doormat. I accept crappy behavior from people even though on the blog I pretend like I’m a strong and independent woman. Let’s take that a step further – how about being kind, loving, and generous to the right people that deserve it AND be a strong and independent woman. Don’t be a doormat and surround yourself with people that you A) get along with and B) you could see yourself being friends with, business partners with etc. Others can check themselves out.
My other fear staring me in the face – I WAS a flake
I’m a self admitting flake when it comes to certain things. I told this to my single, Venezuelan friend the other day by which he replied, “You are not the only one.” Like the video above I have found that I tend to be lackluster in going out if it’s someone I’m not real excited to go out with.Instead of saying no I make promises that I don’t intend on keeping by agreeing to go out with them. Single moms will do this if A) They are bored or B) Want an escape. This kind of behavior wastes a whole lot of people’s time. So how do I prevent myself from being a flake?
I say surround yourself with a good supporting cast? That goes for dates as well. I read an article from Huffington Post about single mom entrepreneurs andstated, “Don’t date competitive guys . . . look for potential partners who love what you do and show it by changing their schedule to be there for you.” Here’s why I love sentiments like that, a person that truly cares about what you do is NOT going to be a flake to you and you can discern the flakes quickly by not being a flake yourself. This goes for single moms as well. When a guy I’ve just met comments on how busy I am, I always reply that I am selective. In reality a busy person is a fun person and they have lots to talk about. I used to get defensive when guys would say “Wow you’re busy” or “Wow you have little ones” since I believe they said it or made the assumption I would have no time for them. There is no reason to get defensive about your life just move on. The obvious thing is that we will make time for what we want to make time for. Flakes commit but don’t show up because they want to have options at their disposal. If they are bored, they want to fill the void and they are just wasting another person’s time and their own because intentions on both sides are not clear and not parallel. Stop wasting people’s time.
Facing your fears of dating as a single mom
When facing your fears you must accept your reality, create an action plan, come up with your support network and cut out all the fat. Everyone talks about cutting out toxic people but few give practical tips on doing just that. Here are a few of my tips. 1) Don’t talk to them. Block them, quit sending them emails or texts, stop talking to them. Even if you miss them resist the urge to contact them. I made this mistake too many times to count so make yourself stick to it. 2) Get rid of the guilt – when you feel the need to talk to them or stay in contact with them – do something else. Be productive. I am going to create a productivity jar so every time I feel depressed or guilty I choose another activity. Let’s see how that works. 3) Think positive – If this sounds too touchy feely for you begin to think in terms of what will make you feel less negative. Be realistic and rationalize outcomes and use affirmations. Putting things in perspective with a realistic sense doesn’t make you a negative person just don’t be too outlandish with your positivity. You might tell yourself, “ok, I may not have this but I do have this.” Thinking in those terms allows you to create smaller plans of actions to become the person you wawnt to be that attracts a good partner. Here’s an example:
I love my website and I love coding and programming. One day as I walked into the copy room I saw a job opening for a programmer that had a starting salary of $98,000 a year. It hit me and I made the decision right then and there to go back to school. Yet fears arose about whether I could do it as a single mom or could I begin college again at 35. Here’s how I got through the fear – I stopped thinking about it and just applied. It’s easy to scare yourself into not doing anything about it. In future posts I will let you know how I’m doing on my school applications etc.
If you want to take a break (Like I am) feel free to take a break. There is nothing wrong with that and it doesn’t mean you have failed. It just means it’s not the right moment.