On my personal Facebook page I received a message from a former hula brother of mine named Kaimi wanting to tell me hello. He had seen a YouTube video of Anna Akana entitled, How to Put on Your Face. In the video, Ms Akana talks about what positive thinking can do to make you look beautiful as she progresses through putting on her makeup. She is a pretty girl with or without makeup.
His message went like this: Hi! Just thought I would drop a line to say hello to one of the people I admire most. I also wanted to share this you-tube video because you emulate the message and I could totally envision you delivering it in a similar manner. Enjoy! http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f49xeXdFSgc&feature=youtu.be
That was on July 2 and I know instantly what was going on that day. It wasn’t a good day, in fact today is also not a good day which is why it’s taking everything in my soul to even write today. What Kaimi wrote to me that day was flattering and yet culturally compliments something that I take with humble admiration.
Could I really be someone that somebody admires the most?
Considering what I’ve been through in the last couple of years, being an admired person is not one of them. In the Youtube Video he sent, Ms. Akana talks about the importance of optimism. While that is ok for a twenty year old, at 35 years of age, being a single mom, raising three kids, failing at many things, stagnant in my career and having relationships with the wrong people that experience wouldn’t qualify me as being an optimist. I quietly told Kaimi, “I’m a realist. I don’t believe in optimism.” In fact I deal with positive reality so I’m a positive realist.
Kaimi seemed shocked about what I said. He replied back, “Funny. You come across as optimistic but perhaps realist describes you more often than not.” I can’t say if it was humility or the stress of the day that caused me to say that but on countless occasions I have told that to people I care about very much. I’m a realist. I maybe a positive realist that things will eventually work itself out the way God intended based upon the path we chose but at the end of the day we MUST accept the reality of our lives. Whether they are good or bad. I don’t necessarily believe that praying for good things to happen or to prevent bad things from happening will actually take place. I believe it’s all chance. I’m not a pessimist, but for me I believe that I’m very positive. When you come from a school of hard knocks you have to be a realist or you are living in illusion. You can’t make a future with illusions.
Kaimi, after hearing my assertion about life went on to say, “That’s one of the things I admire about you. Clarification: I admire how wise you are as a result of your intellect and your experiences, be they good or bad.”
You Have to Feed the Children
From the poem, “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
This is a metaphor for your day to day responsibilities. I told this statement to a loved one of mine. I’m dealing with this now. No matter what happened the night before or the grief you go through can you continue with your purpose and what you are meant to do. Can you continue going to work and doing what you need to do to survive? If you are a single parent, you will have bad days. This is how I make it through each and every day – I wake up knowing that no matter what misfortune comes my way, I have to feed the children. I have to work and provide a roof over our head. I’m not saying optimism and positive thinking doesn’t work because it works wonders to elevate your mood. If you want to see progress in your life, accomplishing even mundane tasks gives you confidence to make it through the day, break up from a bad relationship or situation or improve relationships with family and friends. I focus on the task and then I execute and try not to procrastinate. The sooner I start, the sooner it is over and soon I can make it through the rest of my day. I still pray every night with my family. I still have a lot of love for God but I don’t attach myself to the answering of prayers instead I have faith that the path is what it is.
Overly emotional behavior is controlling behavior
Yesterday I made a huge emotional miscalculation with a loved one. My feelings got hurt by something they said and more than likely I misunderstood what they said and did some irreversible damage to the relationship. My normally calm behavior went on emotional overload and erupted in ways it shouldn’t have. I became personally attached to what I “thought” they thought of me. I realize I am not perfect and normally I am put together emotionally but this time I have no excuse. I’m sure time heals all wounds, but it never erases the past nor does it ever erase what somebody has said. Past behavior is indicative of future behavior in some cases but not all. I know that both of us are doing some soul searching today to figure out what our next steps in life will be for our individual selves. The damage is already done, apologies already made and the road has already been set. So where does that leave us?
Astrologically speaking, today is the day that the moon moves into Cancer . The moon is about our emotions and Cancer is the sign for sensitivity. So what happened last night probably fell in line but that doesn’t take away our responsibilities and response to it. When you are overly emotional it causes others around you to either get emotional or walk on eggshells. This is a very controlling type of behavior in relationships. Too much emotion (drama) and over-sensitivity is extremely controlling. Last night I lashed out in anger due to being hurt and didn’t want to talk to this person anymore for the night. The other party lashed out and personally attacked me verbally about my character and background. In hindsight he probably did it because he was also hurt. I can’t possibly try to understand his motives but I closely examine my actions and emotions – the things I can change. Then it just escalated and the damage is now done. I don’t doubt that this person still loves me tremendously, but the universe has a way of showing us the truth in ways we would never expect. Love is different from relationships and commitment. Even if you love someone, sometimes you just can’t be around them especially if you love them a lot. So where do we go from here?
Think with your heart and feel with your mind
Sometimes you take a step back and you leave it to God. With Jupiter conjunct the sun in Leo and a new moon in Leo this Saturday (if you are a big astrology fan like me), you devote your time and commitment to remain focused and stay the course. Walk away from the drama and emotion and take a deep breath and do what needs to be done to “Feed the Children.” Do not get disturbed and off your intention. Use your own feelings and evaluate where your life is so that you can stay the course to that intention.
There are a lot of changes I am making to this site and while I can’t discuss them just yet, there is a higher purpose for this site as well as what I endeavor to do with my future. A lot of difficult choices need to be made and work needs to get done. Within that, there will be a lot of abundance and joy to put out to you my readers and to others. It has me very excited and I hope that you will like it to.
My plans are to set goals from the heart and set action steps towards getting there with the mind. I have found in life when I’m forced to make decisions situations become clear and my true purpose becomes set. My heart is in the right place and those that love me support me and want to help get me there. That means a lot to me. This is easier said than done. Today my boss asked me to keep a spreadsheet of how I plan on focusing on my day to day tasks. Useful for the tasks at hand and a useful idea for what I want to accomplish in life. This will be the first step towards accomplishing my goals. It’s the same thing as a vision board . So what do I plan on doing with my relationship? Nothing. I’m leaving it up to God for now. I’m improving and strengthening myself first so that I can become a better parent, friend, employee, freelancer, and partner to whoever I am supposed to be with.
The path I walk on
I must embrace my past mistakes and the path I have been on. From this experience how I view the world is completely different from how others view the world. When a friend from Houston visited me he talked about how he was going to splurge on $100 jeans and expensive cologne. That was his idea of splurging – like he had to give himself permission. I looked on in disbelief and just smiled. This person has no idea about the world, not in the way I do. I feel like I’m constantly standing on a cliff looking down and trying to survive every day and this person is in the clearing. Granted I’m not discounting his personal experiences. I realize the way I live my life is not for everyone but it’s obvious we are at an emotional disconnect. I no longer have a false positive assumption about the world. I believe that the world and events just exist and things happen by chance and God has a purpose for us. We have free will to enter into relationships, break off relationships, have children, not have children, quit jobs, start businesses, etc. My path is difficult for people to understand and my emotions are mine just like yours are yours. Keep that in mind when you pave your path. Forgive others easily so you can set the path straight and learn to forgive yourself so you can move forward.