“You’re not in a relationship lifetime.” I shuffled around on the dark floor of my bedroom trying to find a charger. See the last 30 minutes, I was texting 20 people looking for extra cameras and GoPros for an “idea” I had in my head. Battery was about to die and as the phone dangled perilously from my ear connected by a cord to the wall she said, “You’re not in a relationship lifetime.” She is Dr. Loretta Standley and I am fumbling around my dark bedroom for my phone.
She has done my personal natal chart in the past and pretty much knows it well. I don’t know how she looks up my chart so fast but I had to tell her that I couldn’t understand why I attract cops and military guys so much. She said it was the authority figures and my moon in Capricorn. Emotionally I just attract “Capricorn” like guys. I had a “friend” from Colorado say it was because I was exotic looking and I reminded military guys of women they had seen when they were deployed. All fine and dandy but police officers and military guys are not really my taste. I’m a free spirit and so putting up with that much authority would seem stifling to me.
We talked about the Sun, Mars and the Seventh House. She made the comment that I’m all set up for “partnerships and relationships” but I’m just not truly available. The seventh house in astrology is all about relationships and partnerships. Then you can also look at the eight house and that talks about other people’s wealth. So the sun (center of the universe) and Mars rules attractions in a woman’s chart. My sun is Sagittarius as well as my Mars. So technically I am attracted to my fellow Sag, which is absolutely true. The biggest love of my life was with a Sag. So I then decided it was time to work on the inner game. I have never proclaimed to be a saint and as we sometimes pick up the pieces of our lives we must take ownership of our inner game.
It’s one of my ex’s birthday today so I would just like to say Happy Birthday Speed Demon. I remember one of our first meetings where he kept taking his boots on and off. I could see it out of the corner of my eye as I was getting ready to go to dinner with him in Gruene. I had gotten him a bottle of Bulleit Bourbon (regifted of course) and he actually got me a gift. He always seemed like he was observing something or in deep thought. I was very quiet with him and I remember I wouldn’t even hold his hand. Those were days long gone and the Texas highways always remind me of him as he and I used to race around Texas – he always beat me. There was also that time when he broke his ankle and I had to rub what I called “horse semen” on it. It was actually a liniment for horse’s joints. He would sit on the couch and ask me to rub it on his ankle and we would just “talk.” Maybe it was the repeated motion of just rubbing his ankle that would relax me.
So I was going to make a point of forgetting his birthday today but he wouldn’t let me. He also made it a point to let me know that I couldn’t get rid of him so easily. How he knows me so well. I was trying to be courteous, cordial and formal. To let him know that I would prefer things to stay at a distance. I told him Tacos before Vatos! – Food has never disappointed me so why should it now. He’s 31 (ages changed to protect the innocent) – I conveniently forget his age and pretend he’s younger. He likes that.
The Inner Game
What is the inner game? The inner game is that silent communication or conversation you have with yourself. The things you say about yourself. I am having an identity crisis. I WANT a relationship and to be engaging. I do great at that in business, professional relationships and friendships but I’m not so great at it when it comes to romantic relationships. On the other hand I am also Dallas Single Mom. This blog has been contentious for a variety of reasons with many of my relationships. I want to help people, especially women who have also screwed up to let them know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At the same time it can be draining. Defining what attachments you have to your identity can help you figure out how well you manage your inner game.
I used to think “game” was how many phone numbers one had in their phone or little black book. I have a masterful black book. I learned a system from the speed demon about organizing names as well. He would put a name of the person, the city they were in and the company they worked for (or some other tidbit of info). Speed Demon had his own little black book. ;-) I have ten Ryans in my phone so I would write the entry as Ryan – Tinder – Irving. Which means I met Ryan on Tinder and he lives in Irving. OR I have Michael – Starbucks – Cop for instance where Michael I met at Starbucks and he is a cop. Probably the best system ever. Until I decided to delete numbers . . . .
Don’t take it personal
In my quest to enjoy this experience and work on my inner game I have had to quietly but successfully not take things personal. If somebody disappears, be accepting of the situation. People have things going on in their lives and some people aren’t ready for certain things. Don’t fault others for that and learn not to get angry. This is a hard lesson for me to learn but as Loretta pointed out, learn what you can and make judgments for your own personal knowledge. Don’t hold people at fault for themselves just adjust. Close friendships no longer became close when I employed this. Old relationships went away and we all moved on with our lives. My biggest break up most recently was the best breakup I ever had. We didn’t fight or argue we just let it go – told each other we loved each other and let go. It was peaceful and almost beautiful and he was my Sag. Here’s one thing I knew from his chart which I never explained to him. I HAD to let him go because there was something he needed to do and he could not do that thing which was purposeful in his life if I was in it. I could have been selfish but in the end it was faith in his purpose (God’s purpose for him) that left me ok with the decision.
Now I’m venturing back and it’s been tough. I have made great friends and will probably continue making great friends in all of this. I read Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Five Levels of Attachment and not attaching your identity to what others say or to things can help you navigate life and find your inner game so much easier. Most recently I had a great time with someone and then it sort of just went away. I found myself getting anxious until I consulted my inner game. If it was meant to be it will be and no amount of “analyzing” will help in understanding the situation. Take things for face value and cherish the time you had and then move forward.
So I was told that I need to call the right person to me. The inner calling and the inner game needs to be clear. I got some plans up my sleeve and it will be a good play for the inner game.