A part of me wants to forget about this weekend but the other side of me is also evaluating where I am in my life at the present time. This weekend I broke up with Bradford, there are just too many things “out of alignment” with us that a long term relationship fulfilling both of our needs just wasn’t going to take shape. That doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other because I think we loved each other very much but it was a result of Ms. Right and Mr. Right, not being Right for Each Other.
It didn’t come without its set of joys and challenges. The constant push and pull of both of our family dynamics coupled with personality conflicts and communications challenges made this relationship more of a burden than I was willing to put up with any longer. He accomplished something so fantastic last week that I was relieved when it was finally over because I was so worried about him and his successes gave me so much joy. It was in that instant that I knew there was a profound love connection for us but relationships are a whole different matter from love. When I say think with your heart and feel with your mind, this is precisely what I’m talking about. Think with the goal of what would our relationship look like in the future in a realistic sense, and then feel with your mind to motivate your actions based on love. That is what I did and that is why I decided to end it. He was on the fence about breaking up but my actions were done with the greatest love in my heart.
Full Moon Cycles and 6 month checkups
This past weekend was a full moon in Capricorn. Full moons always complete 6 months from the new moon in the same sign. So six months ago the new moon was also in Capricorn and that was January 1. Capricorn is in my personal natal chart of the 9th house which rules higher learning, the religious mind, college, law, philosophy, churches, publishing, and overseas travel. As I reflect on Facebook this past January, I closed out my new year very quietly with no ball drop or revelry. I just observed life like a mandala. A mandala is a spiritual and ritual symbol in Hinduism and Buddhism. Typically circular it is a fractal of congruent and parallel shapes to represent the parallelism of the universe. Used in meditation it symbolizes that things in life are temporary. There is pure joy in the experience and the protection we seek is from our own minds. It is comparable to Toltec wisdom of not establishing your identity to the knowledge in your head that you learn from society. It is about accepting that you are perfect the way you are and must recognize in terms of personal attachment. This is evident in the Don Miguel Ruiz Jr’s boo, Five Levels of Attachment.
Back on December 31, I posted on my Facebook page a quote from Orange Is the New Black where inmate Yoga Jones explains to new inmate Piper Chapman the following – “Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when you’re done, pack it in and know it was all temporary.” I had somehow told these same words to Bradford – Go Big or Go Home! Then nuke it in the end like a tower of Legos. That is exactly what happened in a fiery inferno of an explosion Bradford and I, both fire astrological signs, created. In a spectacular fight of words (really about nothing) it destroyed that dream I had of our life together. There is nothing wrong with dreams, but dreams with unrealistic expectations are just fantasy. My heart didn’t harden towards him, it hardened towards myself. It shook me back to reality about reaffirming the things I wanted to accomplish. Instead of Go Big or Go Home, I changed it to GOD Big or Go Home. If you can’t fulfill God’s purpose for yourself then go home and pout. During the course of our fight I told him not to take away my right to be angry. For me being angry increases my level of discernment and a much needed boost to discerning where my life is headed and if the relationship was worth saving.
It was in that instance I took a step to evaluate the progress of my life and my career. I have come a long way baby! And this was the weekend that I was going to take a monumental step towards rekindling some of the fire in my spiritual beliefs. Some of those goals include moving closer to Dallas with a new office and home and so I set about finding a spiritual home for the time being. This fits in nicely with the Capricorn full moon of religion and higher thinking I mentioned earlier. Ever since I had my annulment and experienced such difficult times in the last two years, church was and is a difficult subject for me. I was born and raised Catholic and got my confirmation as an adult and was very devout. Then I flipped around to Buddhism, non-denominational and Baptist churches. I love them all and I can say having different perspectives has helped me tremendously on a spiritual level and I am comfortable with my spirituality even if it’s non-traditional to most people. My commitment is first and foremost to God but going back to my roots is of importance right now.
As I reflect upon the last 6 months, I’m taken aback to a post I wrote about Appreciating What we Have. I wholeheartedly wanted to teach this to my children so we wouldn’t accumulate things we didn’t need. I have failed miserably at this and so I’m going to try again and be committed to it for the next six months. If you can’t take care of what you have now why would God bless you with more.
Also on my Facebook page around January 1, I asked the question (difficult question) about whether you consider yourself a woman first or a mom first. This controversial post created a firestorm. It is natural for a mother to readily admit publicly that she is a mother first and most agreed to that. But then to attach your personal identity to one or the other leaves one or the other devoid of attention. It is in Mathew Chapter 10 Verse 37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who Loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me;
And that is a key element to remember is that in the Catholic teaching – God is the trinity – the balance and all things run through him as the father, the son and the holy ghost. Just like the Mandala. The flow and balance of all things. If you need a compass, just look to God because he sends you messages and allows you free will.
To answer if you are a woman first or a mother first is a trick question. – You are neither, you are a faithful servant to God. Some of us are rebellious and some are not. The key for me is to understand that in the presence of internal peace I will set myself to accomplish God’s purpose for me.
Forgiveness and reconciliation
Forgiveness and reconciliation are a part of that process. In the Catholic sense the sacrament of reconciliation is a big frickin deal. (Yes I did swear). Yesterday at church my daughter saw everyone going up to get communion. She has no idea what communion is as her young life was spent in the Baptist church. So she told me, “Mom, go stand in line.” I told her that mommy can’t do that today, maybe next week when I go to reconciliation.” She couldn’t understand and then I realized “WOW! Stuff I took for granted I have to teach her.” It is not uncommon for Catholics to just willy nilly go up and take communion when they can’t or shouldn’t. But I know better which is why I don’t. After getting my annulment from the Diocese I am able to go, but there’s still a little business of confession (reconciliation). One time I went to confession/reconciliation – there was a long line and we ran out of time. So the priest came out and said, Everyone is forgiven! So then I thought, “Let me come late to confession every time.” LOL! OK I’m just kidding.
To ask for forgiveness is really about owning up to the truth. The truth shall set you free. Owning up to your truths really makes you feel better. I can say that first hand. When you begin to not care about what other’s thoughts are of you and begin to care about what YOUR thoughts are about you it is when you begin to understand. Your thoughts are God’s thoughts. We are all a temple. The best lessons on forgiveness which changed my life was the book and blog post I wrote about forgiveness and the book Let It Go! By Bishop TD Jakes. This book changed my life and it the ability to apologize and truly mean it still guides me to this day. In countless ways from forgiving Paul in Galveston to effectively evaluating my current future friendships based upon the ability to leave people at peace with apologies. In getting over a break up handling it in a healthy manner allows you to deal with forgiveness and reconciling your past. This is the time to do it.
So this is your 6 month check up, what parts of your life are you evaluating from the goals you made on January 1 of this year?