Over the weekend, Saturday night to be exact, I received a flurry of erratic messages from two of my friends having relationship issues. In one, the individual was receiving disturbing text messages from an ex-fiancee (father of her daughter) and in the other, there was less information but the only message I received was that she was seeking a safe place with her daughter away from her current husband. Of course my heart reaches out to both women as I have basically been on the receiving end of long conversations about the state of their relationships.
Why do people call me?
I have often wondered that question. Part of it is because I am Dallas Single Mom and yes, I have been through a lot so my experiences, how I handled them and my opinion does in fact speak volumes to a lot of people. I am so thankful for that. My goal in sharing my experiences is hoping that people can objectively look at their own situations and try to assess things in a different thought process from the way I made decisions that best suits their situation. I have testimonials to prove that. Also, I am firm with my opinions, not judgmental. I only judge things based upon my experiences, pray with them and hope for the best. You can’t get results overnight, but you can help people talk through and think through their issues.
Why do people put up with bad behavior?
It’s difficult for outsiders to truly understand why a woman will put up with abuse or bad behavior. I have been through it many, many times and when I am truly in a corner and put in a place that compromises myself, my goals and my children I will fight back. That is the response God seeks for us as we go through the trials we are going through even if that trial is in abuse. The hardest part is that a victim will continually put herself down and beat herself up about why she hadn’t seen things sooner. There’s a simple reason, it’s because the perpetrator lies and emotionally manipulates their way into the heart, mind and sympathy of the victim.
Psychologists will tell you that it’s typically a pattern that continues from childhood and for women, it is the relationship they had with their father and vice versa for me (the relationship they had with their mother). For me personally, I had a good relationship with my parents and I was allowed to be as free as I wanted to. This may or may not apply to you but look to the relationship you had with your parents to see where you are continuing bad patterns.
Why doesn’t she just call the police and file charges?
In one of the instances, the woman kept texting me and I gave her some simple pieces of advice.
- Quit talking to him. Even if he is the father of your child. You don’t need to put up with abusive talk on the phone.
- Don’t respond to hurtful remarks. Probably one of the hardest things to do. Responding keeps up the dialogue where they are more likely to wear you down and emotionally manipulate.
- Calmly advise the perpetrator to stop the verbal abuse or stop contacting you or you will file a police report. Then actually follow through with your threats. In the events this past Saturday, she did file a report but she was actually embarrassed about what the police might think about her. This is your life and your child’s life so you have every right to live your life without fear.
- Establish boundaries. You do not need to put up with abusive behavior. Establish that early and stick to it. Sometimes abusers will continue to try to wear you down by getting your sympathy that somehow they are a victim of circumstance, their childhood, their current unemployed status, of you, of everyone. Don’t give in to this, we are only a victim of ourselves ever. We can’t blame anyone for our current state except for ourselves.
Apparently, she did not file charges earlier because she chickened out. She felt nobody would believe her if she did it again. I told her it is up to her that if she wants to continue to be a victim, that is her choice but I’m not going to listen to it (see, that’s me establishing boundaries as her friend.)
If you are in a bad relationship or have to deal with an abusive ex, my heart and prayers go out to you and the other person. I also pray for your children. It’s a difficult time and you are not alone. You can get help from a therapist or a clergy member. You can even reach out to me by just sending me an email or calling me on the phone via my contact page. The way I got out of that feeling of anxiety, desperation and loneliness was to do a few things: 1) get more active in a church group, mommy group, community service or work 2) Read motivational books. I personally like “Let it Go” by TD Jakes, “So Long Insecurity” by Beth Moore 3) I began meditation 4) I began this website.
All of these things changed my life and created a passion for me. Once you are passionate about something, that becomes what you live and breathe. Your confidence cannot be shaken if you work on your passion and your life’s work. No one can abuse someone who is passionate about something above them (the abuser.)