If there is one question that I get asked the most on this site it is about honest relationships. Many times people just want to hear what they want to hear or want validation for their choices even if they know deep down inside they are bad or misinformed choices. I do that as well and one of the things you always have to remind yourself is to take stock of the reality of your life in the present moment before you can make the choices that not only impact you but also those that depend on you such as your children and your spouse. We all make choices to begin relationships with a preconceived set of ideas about how that relationship will take shape. It seldom really works that way. I do not believe you will have a 100% honest relationship. We are all human and incapable of being honest 100% of the time.
Everybody’s perception of their ideal relationship is different and if you have a failure to communicate most of the time you will hang on to dear life making significant compromises turning your ideal relationship into something you never bargained for or sometimes you discover something even more. One of my deal breakers is a man that disappears. In many of my relationships I have experienced that. I used to make excuses for them but I realized that I don’t deserve to be treated that way. Most recently a man that I had a relationship did just that to me. I take some blame for it because I jumped to conclusions about something and what I was really looking for in the relationship was reassurance.
He told me he disappeared because I was picking a fight with him and he thought it was best not to answer. I’m not saying his position was wrong, it just caused me anxiety and escalated my fears and my anger. I think my folly in all of this was that I really wanted this to work and idealized the relationship too much. Anything not done in moderation is usually a bad thing.
He accused me of having trust issues. Most single mothers do and how they choose to handle those trust issues is significant. Had I been better able to articulate that I probably would have gotten what I was asking for. Instead I escalated it and he escalated it and it became an ugly situation so we broke up. Are things forgivable? Maybe but I prefer to take the high road and sit back and reflect so we can easily forgive the “situation” and just move forward with our lives. I’m not going to try to force someone to be with me if he doesn’t want to be with me.
One of my friends sent me this note:
Take note of lies, both the context and consistency of pretexts usually mask deeper issues. Demand honesty and transparency by offering both to him first. Be cautious but be honest. Just know that you are a gem, a prize of a woman to be earned and held in high regard. Don’t settle.
I don’t know if I would consider myself a prize but I did come forth with the best of intentions as well as very honest and transparent in the relationship. I never hid who I was or my personality. Could I have handled it better? Yes. Can I patch things up? Probably not.
So how do you prepare yourself next time?
You really can’t. You can only take the lessons learned and pick and choose what you want to put up with. In the end I just agreed with everything he had to say and gave him what he was looking for: peace. Do I love him? Yes. Do I love myself? Yes. Am I ashamed of my behavior? Yes. So now we come back full circle to the part where we begin to love ourselves again and start this whole process new. Meaning: he and I apart.
It really doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of me. All that matters is what I think of me. I think in the end I gave him peace and that was what he needs at this point in his life. No harm and no foul. I have given myself freedom from anxiety and that is truly the gift in all of this.