Long-term relationships do not usually lose heat because the attraction disappears overnight. More often, routine takes over, and intimacy starts to feel like something you squeeze in rather than something you explore. In a piece that gathered advice from therapists speaking to HuffPost, the common thread was simple. Small shifts in attention, setting, and mindset can create a surprisingly big jolt of novelty. The goal is not to chase extremes, but to get curious again.
One idea comes from San Francisco sex therapist Keeley Rankin, who suggests letting your partner see how you please yourself. The point is not performance, but honesty and connection, because many people still treat solo pleasure as a secret. As she frames it, “Let yourself get turned on by watching your partner get turned on.” She even compares the vibe to “live pornography,” not as a goal, but as a reminder that arousal can be contagious when shame is removed. If either person feels exposed, slowing down and setting boundaries first can make it feel safer.
Another approach is to turn fantasy into something you talk through together rather than something you hide. Sex therapist Kristin Zeising recommends “directing” your own erotic scene by building a story, details included, and then swapping scripts with your partner. It can be playful, romantic, or completely unrealistic, because the benefit is learning what your minds reach for when you are not censoring yourselves. Zeising’s core message is that “sometimes saying your desires out loud is enough to wake up a sleepy relationship.” You do not have to act everything out for the conversation to spark something real.
When anxiety, distraction, or pressure shows up, sex educator Chris Maxwell Rose points to a tool that sounds almost too basic to matter. Breathing, done slowly and deliberately, can pull you back into the moment when your thoughts start spiraling. Rose argues that “breathing is one of the most underrated tools in sex,” because it can help your body stay open to sensation. If you catch yourself rushing, pausing for a few deep breaths can reset the pace without killing the mood. It is a way to trade overthinking for presence.
Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and sex therapist, also recommends removing the usual finish-line thinking that can make intimacy feel like a task. One suggestion is focusing on oral pleasure without treating orgasm as the point of the activity. That shift can reduce pressure on both partners and make room for experimentation with pace, rhythm, and feedback. Instead of asking, are we there yet, you are asking, what feels good right now. Many couples find that pleasure grows when they stop chasing it.
New York sex therapist Megan Fleming adds a helpful lens on desire, especially for couples who worry that sparks should appear spontaneously. She notes that for many people, desire is responsive rather than instant, meaning it shows up after touch, closeness, and warmth begin. In that view, the early moments are not proof that something is wrong, they are the runway. Openness, willingness, and gentle initiation can be the difference between a no and a not yet. Giving yourself time to arrive can make intimacy feel less like a test.
Sex therapist and author Moushumi Ghose highlights something couples rarely admit out loud. In long relationships, partners often prioritize romance while forgetting to see each other as sexual beings with bodies, edges, and appetite. Ghose argues for a kind of “healthy objectification,” where you allow yourself to look at your partner with raw attraction again. That does not mean disrespect, it means remembering that being desired can feel powerful and bonding. Flirting on purpose, even after years together, can bring that energy back.
Sexologist Anne Ridley suggests building a personal “signature,” a move, ritual, or style that becomes part of your shared language. Many memorable lovers are remembered for one distinctive thing they did well, and long-term couples can create their own version of that. It could be a particular kind of kiss, a recurring compliment, or a sequence you both love. Familiarity does not have to be boring when it is paired with tiny variations and attention. In fact, the private shorthand you develop over time can be one of the best parts of staying together.
If your setting has become predictable, therapist Lisa Paz recommends changing location to disrupt the script. She is not talking about anything unsafe or inappropriate, but rather the thrill of novelty that comes from stepping outside the bed-and-couch pattern. A different room, a different time of day, or a private moment somewhere unexpected can wake up the senses. That burst of excitement often follows you back into your normal space. The takeaway is that environment shapes mood more than we admit.
Psychologist Janet Brito in Honolulu points out how quickly people grade themselves during intimacy. Many couples carry a silent scoreboard, worrying about technique, timing, or whether they are doing it “correctly.” Brito’s reminder is blunt and freeing, “There isn’t a right or wrong way.” When you stop monitoring yourself, you have more attention for sensation, connection, and your partner’s cues. Presence is usually more attractive than perfection.
Finally, sex therapist Stephen Snyder encourages couples to touch without turning every touch into a contract for sex. Some partners only reach for each other when they plan to go all the way, which can make affection feel transactional. Snyder argues that “happy couples enjoy a little arousal outside the bedroom,” because the feeling itself can be pleasant even if it passes. A lingering hug, a hand on a thigh, or playful contact at dinner can keep a low, warm current running through your day. It is foreplay, but it is also simply closeness.
Stepping back, it helps to remember a few basics that sex educators emphasize again and again. Consent is not a one-time question, it is an ongoing conversation where both people can change their minds. Communication works best when it is specific, kind, and timed well, meaning not only in the moment, but also outside it when you can talk calmly. Many experts distinguish between spontaneous desire and responsive desire, and that difference alone can remove a lot of unnecessary worry. Novelty also has a well-known effect on the brain’s reward pathways, which is one reason new settings, new scripts, and new conversations can feel so energizing.
If one of these ideas stood out, pick a single low-pressure experiment and talk it through with your partner, then share your thoughts in the comments.
