Family gatherings, especially around the holidays, are often sold as cozy, restorative moments where everyone finally slows down. But for many people, these get togethers can feel like an emotional obstacle course, particularly when a mother-in-law or father-in-law turns every interaction into a test of loyalty, attention, or control. Instead of leaving with a full heart, you might walk away feeling minimized, drained, or oddly guilty without knowing why.
In psychology, narcissism is commonly described as a pattern marked by an intense need for admiration, an inflated sense of importance, and a limited ability to empathize with others. Clinical psychologist Dr. Gregory Kushnick, based in New York, notes that these traits often show up most clearly within families, where boundaries can be blurry and emotions run high. That’s exactly why in law dynamics can feel so complicated, because the pressure to keep the peace is enormous.
One classic sign is an obsession with status, success, and being seen as impressive. Conversations can loop endlessly around achievements, influential acquaintances, or stories designed to underline who matters most in the room. In a family setting, this may look like constant praise for one child’s milestones while everyone else is expected to nod along. The goal is not connection, but reinforcing a hierarchy where someone always needs to be on top.
Another red flag is a surface level focus paired with a hunger for compliments. During celebrations, the spotlight can shift to the meal they cooked, the decorations they chose, or the gifts they bought, with an unspoken demand for applause. The talk may feel strangely empty, as if meaningful questions about your life never quite arrive. Over time, you can start to feel like you’re there to perform gratitude rather than to belong.
A third pattern is being pulled into conflicts that are not yours, often through triangulation. This happens when in laws use a partner’s spouse as a messenger, hoping you’ll deliver a complaint, apply pressure, or soften a confrontation they don’t want to have directly. It can leave you feeling trapped between being supportive and being used. If it continues, it can quietly strain the relationship you’re trying to protect.
Finally, watch for relentless judgment and criticism. Some people cling to their opinions so tightly that dialogue is impossible, and they may criticize those present as well as those who aren’t even there. That constant evaluation creates tension and can make everyone feel emotionally unsafe, especially if you’re already sensitive to being judged.
To cope, preparation matters. Talk with your partner ahead of time about triggers, boundaries, and a realistic exit plan if the atmosphere turns toxic. In more difficult situations, it may help for your partner to set clear limits with their parents and name what behavior won’t be tolerated. Kushnick also suggests “gray rocking,” a strategy where you stay calm, neutral, and uninteresting, sharing little personal information and giving minimal emotional reaction.
Have you dealt with an in-law dynamic like this, and what boundaries helped you keep your peace? Share your thoughts in the comments.
