Modern communication often feels like a series of rehearsed scripts that we follow without much thought. We frequently encounter people in our daily lives and immediately reach for the most common social lubricant available in our vocabulary. While these phrases are intended to be polite, they often fail to create any real connection between the speakers. A prominent expert in the field of verbal interaction has recently highlighted why one specific question might be doing more harm than good to your social presence.
Public speaking and communication coach Stuart Fedderson has identified a major flaw in how we initiate contact with others. He suggests that we need to overhaul the way we approach small talk to avoid leaving a weak impression. According to the expert, the most common greeting in the English language is actually a barrier to meaningful dialogue. He believes that changing just a few words can significantly improve the quality of our professional and personal relationships.
Speaking on the matter of social etiquette, Fedderson was quite blunt about his stance on standard greetings. “Please stop asking people ‘How are you?’ in conversation,” he told The Post. He went on to describe these as “the two most useless words in the world of communication.” This perspective challenges the fundamental way most people have been taught to behave in polite society since childhood.
The issue with this specific inquiry is that it has become a hollow ritual rather than a genuine search for information. In most cases, the person asking the question does not actually want a detailed or honest report on the other person’s well-being. Fedderson noted that “the person asking generally doesn’t want to hear the real answer, and the person answering usually doesn’t even say it.” This creates a cycle of superficiality where neither party is being authentic or engaged.
Because this question is so predictable, it often acts as a conversational dead end that prevents any further development. When we use routine openers, we signal to the other person that we are operating on autopilot. This can make the speaker seem uninteresting or even dismissive of the other person’s time. Breaking away from these tired formulas is essential for anyone looking to stand out in a crowded social or business environment.
To fix this issue, the expert suggests shifting toward open-ended questions that require more than a one-word response. These types of inquiries encourage people to share specific details about their lives or experiences. People generally enjoy talking about themselves when given the right opportunity, and providing that space is a hallmark of a great communicator. Moving away from binary or routine questions allows for a more vibrant exchange of ideas.
Instead of the standard greeting, Fedderson recommends asking about specific events or feelings related to the present moment. One of his favorite alternatives involves focusing on the highlights of someone’s day. He suggests trying a phrase like “What was the most interesting thing that happened to you today?” This approach immediately opens the door for a real story or a unique observation that wouldn’t have come up otherwise.
Using this method can be beneficial in both corporate settings and casual outings with friends. In a business context, it helps you build rapport more quickly with clients or colleagues by showing a genuine interest in their perspectives. In private life, it can turn a dull encounter into a memorable conversation. It transforms the speaker from someone just following social rules into someone who is truly present and curious.
While some people might find it difficult to abandon such a deeply ingrained habit, the results are often worth the initial awkwardness. Most people appreciate the change of pace and the chance to say something meaningful. By being the one who breaks the cycle of “How are you?” and “I’m fine,” you establish yourself as a leader in the interaction. Small changes in wording can lead to massive shifts in how others perceive your intelligence and charisma.
Public speaking coaches like Stuart Fedderson often work with executives and politicians to refine their delivery and interpersonal skills. The field of communication science explores how verbal and non-verbal cues impact human connection and influence. Many experts agree that the first few seconds of an encounter are crucial for establishing trust and authority. This is why professional training often focuses heavily on the “hook” or the opening of any speech or conversation.
Developing better social habits is a form of emotional intelligence that can be practiced and refined over time. Active listening is a key component of this process, as it requires you to pay close attention to the answers you receive from your new, better questions. It is also helpful to remember that communication is a two-way street where both parties share the responsibility for the energy of the room. Learning to navigate these social waters effectively can lead to more opportunities and stronger social networks.
The concept of “small talk” is often viewed as a necessary evil, but it serves a vital evolutionary purpose in human bonding. It allows individuals to test the waters and establish a baseline of safety and familiarity before moving on to deeper topics. However, when small talk remains too small, it loses its effectiveness as a social bridge. High-level communicators know how to transition quickly from these polite beginnings into substantive discussions that leave a lasting impact.
What do you think is the best alternative to the standard “How are you?” greeting, and have you ever tried using more creative questions in your own daily conversations? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.
