Marriage takes effort, but the shift from healthy to unhealthy can happen so quietly that couples barely notice it. When we assume everything is fine without checking in, even a loving relationship can slide into patterns that feel tense, distant, or strangely lonely. That is why relationship therapists and counselors Chris Shea, Sharon Davis, Nancy Dreyfus, and Stan Tatkin suggest a simple exercise that can change the tone of a partnership fast. They point to eight questions that help couples spot what is working, what is missing, and what needs attention before resentment becomes the default.
The first question goes straight to emotional safety, do you feel you can be fully yourself when you are with me. If the answer is hesitant, it can signal that someone is performing rather than connecting, which makes real closeness difficult. The next question is even more telling, is there anything you feel you have to hide from me. When a partner feels they must tiptoe, filter themselves, or keep parts of life tucked away, secrecy can turn into a loop of mistrust and emotional distance.
Then comes a question about instinct and attachment, who do you turn to when you need comfort, when you want to celebrate, or when something important happens. In many strong relationships, the partner is the first call, not because friends and family are unimportant, but because the bond feels like home base. If that has shifted, it is worth exploring why, without blaming. Another key question asks whether you are putting the relationship first, which sounds obvious until work, stress, parenting, and exhaustion start crowding out connection.
One of the most refreshing prompts is also one of the simplest, what do you love about this relationship. It pushes couples to look beyond habit and ask whether they love the partnership itself or only the way it makes them feel at certain moments. From there, the questions get practical, do I know what you need and what you like, and do you know what I need. When partners understand each other’s needs and the ways they give and receive love, satisfaction tends to rise on both sides.
The seventh question zooms out to identity, do I truly know who you are, and do you truly know who I am. Over time, couples can stop being curious and start assuming, which can erase individuality and make conflict feel personal rather than solvable. The final question, is there anything else, creates space for what has been unsaid, including small hurts, private fears, or hopes that have been waiting for an opening. Sometimes those three words are the difference between another quiet night and a real conversation.
Which of these questions feels easiest to ask, and which one makes you pause, share your thoughts in the comments.
