Have you ever wondered how couples who have been together for decades manage to keep their relationship alive and thriving? Many of us have experienced both the highs and lows of long-term partnerships, and sometimes those lows can feel truly insurmountable. According to psychologist Dr. Alexandra Solomon, one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship is being willing to treat your marriage as a classroom. “We must accept that change is inevitable, and the best we can do is face it with curiosity rather than resistance,” she says.
Dr. Solomon also emphasizes that this classroom mindset goes deeper than it might first appear. “Viewing marriage as a classroom means partly recognizing that we bring our own past into it,” she explains. “It’s important to be willing to see how our old wounds, patterns, and triggers get activated in our relationship with our partner.” This kind of self-awareness can be transformative, especially for couples navigating the added pressures that come with raising children together.
One of the most foundational pieces of advice Dr. Solomon offers is to take care of your own basic needs, including healthy eating, regular exercise, stress management, and sufficient sleep. She speaks from personal experience when she says, “I know I’m a better wife when I take care of myself. When I’m not sleeping enough, not exercising, and not laughing, I become resentful and irritable.” She also points out that self-neglect has a way of distorting perspective, turning cherished commitments into burdens. Making room for activities that bring you personal joy, whether that means having lunch with friends, reading, or dancing, is equally essential. “We can’t give from an empty cup, so we must engage in activities that provide us with meaning, connection, and joy,” she notes.
Physical touch is another element that Dr. Solomon highlights as deeply important for keeping couples connected. “Touch helps couples maintain their bond and cushions the blows of the inevitable daily frustrations of family life,” she says. However, she cautions that in her work with couples, physical contact is often interpreted exclusively as a sexual advance, which can feel like yet another demand on an already exhausted partner. She recommends building in various forms of non-sexual touch throughout the day, such as holding hands, sitting close enough to make contact, cuddling, or sharing a brief hug when coming and going. Scheduling regular time alone together as a couple is also something she considers non-negotiable. “It’s extremely important to remember that you are partners, lovers, and friends, not just two people running a small business, which is your household,” she says. A date doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate either; a neighborhood walk, a movie on the couch, or a board game for two can accomplish the same thing.
Staying emotionally curious about your partner is another area where Dr. Solomon sees couples either thrive or drift apart. She recommends regularly checking in on what is worrying or exciting your partner and then asking genuine questions about those feelings. “Gaining insight into another person’s world builds connection,” she says, and this doesn’t have to feel like a formal exercise. A simple “Hey, how was your day?” or even a funny text during the workday can keep the lines of communication open. When conflicts do arise, she urges couples to approach each other without accusation, suggesting a mental framework along the lines of “This happened, and here is the story I’m telling myself about it.” “Your effort to separate the facts from your own interpretation of those facts will go a long way toward getting more of what you want and need, such as validation, acknowledgment, and empathy, and less of what you don’t want, such as defensiveness and counter-accusations,” she explains.
Dr. Solomon also encourages couples to resist the urge to assume they fully understand their partner’s motivations. When you’re upset about something your partner did, she recommends asking, “Can you help me understand what was going on for you?” rather than jumping to conclusions. “Happy couples accept that they are two different people and approach disagreements with curiosity rather than accusation,” she says. Finally, she warns against the common mistake of not directly asking for what you want or need. Some of her clients push back on this idea, arguing that if they have to ask, it takes the meaning out of it. But she firmly disagrees, explaining that unspoken needs tend to come out sideways, usually in the form of complaints. Asking clearly for what you want, whether that is help around the house, more affection, or simply some quiet time, keeps communication honest and prevents misunderstandings from spiraling into full-blown arguments.
Marriage as an institution has been studied extensively by researchers in psychology and sociology. According to the American Psychological Association, roughly 40 to 50 percent of first marriages in the United States end in divorce, with the rate being somewhat higher for subsequent marriages. Relationship researchers like Dr. John Gottman have identified patterns that tend to predict relationship breakdown, including criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and what he calls stonewalling. On the positive side, couples who maintain a ratio of roughly five positive interactions for every negative one tend to report significantly higher relationship satisfaction. The transition to parenthood is widely recognized as one of the most stressful periods a couple can face, with studies consistently showing a dip in marital satisfaction after the birth of a first child. This makes investing intentional effort into the relationship during the child-rearing years not a luxury but a genuine necessity for long-term partnership health.
If these tips from Dr. Alexandra Solomon resonated with you or sparked any thoughts about your own relationship, share your perspective in the comments.
