Scrolling through social media during the holidays can feel like walking into an endless highlight reel, but the latest relationship trend has taken things to a new level. Across TikTok, women are posting videos praising their “high-effort” boyfriends and listing the thoughtful things these men do without being asked. The vibe is meant to be uplifting and aspirational, yet it can quickly tip into something more complicated. What looks like romance on the surface can blur into control, dependence, and a strangely performative kind of love.
Many of these clips follow the same formula. A woman, often filming while doing her makeup, kicks off with a punchy line about the things her boyfriend does that would supposedly shock a “low-effort” man. The list usually includes surprise dates, daily coffees, sweet messages, and frequent flowers. Paying the bill at every dinner is treated as a given, not a nice bonus. The trend is familiar to anyone who has watched curated couple content online, but its popularity has surged in recent months.
The idea is often linked to creator Keely Grace Gaffney, whose videos paint her fiancé as almost impossibly attentive. In her posts, he plans getaways when she is stressed, crafts personalized advent calendars, and keeps romance running like a full-time job. Other women quickly joined in, echoing the message that being with a man who “tries hard” can change everything. It is easy to see why that storyline spreads fast, especially when it is wrapped in cozy, feel-good aesthetics.
@keelygaffney Why you should never settle…. it’s now my favorite part of my morning 😭 #relationship #couplegoals ♬ original sound – keely grace
The problem is that a surprising amount of “effort” in these videos revolves around money. Some women highlight never paying for meals, being taken shopping on demand, or even carrying a partner’s credit card “just in case,” as one woman named Emily describes. In one of the most uncomfortable moments from Gaffney’s posts, her partner reacts sharply when she tries to pay for her own online purchase as a joke. The message lands awkwardly, like affection with an invisible set of rules attached.
Relationship expert Kate Mansfield warns that gifts and picked-up tabs are fine only if a woman can always do those things for herself. When financial dependence becomes part of the romance, the power balance can shift in ways that make it harder to leave an unhealthy dynamic. Therapist Matt Davies also points out how fragile this setup can be if a relationship’s stability hinges on one person’s ability to provide. If circumstances change, the couple may find they built their connection around conditions rather than mutual support.
There is another wrinkle that feels especially telling. Some “high-effort” examples focus heavily on maintaining a woman’s appearance, from booking nail appointments to fixing hair and makeup on a night out. Mansfield notes that when effort is aimed mainly at polishing a partner’s look, it can slip into trophy territory. Davies adds that turning a woman into someone who is constantly managed and “saved” creates a parent-child dynamic, not an equal partnership.
What do you think, is this trend raising standards or selling a fantasy that can backfire? Share your take in the comments.
