Picture this: your three-year-old climbs into your lap, looks up at you, and asks, “Mommy, do you love me the most?” In that moment, most parents aren’t going to launch into a careful comparison of their feelings for their spouse versus their child. Yet well-meaning advice from older generations has long pushed the idea that parents, especially mothers, must always make their partner feel like the number one priority. Writer Jeanne Sager, who covers family and parenting for YourTango, says that during her own pregnancy she was repeatedly warned by older women not to let the baby take over her heart at the expense of her husband.
Sager’s experience, however, told a very different story. She openly admits that she loves her daughter more than her husband, and that since becoming a mother, this has felt entirely natural to her. Far from seeing it as a flaw in her marriage, she views it as an honest reflection of how parenthood reshapes a person’s emotional world. The warnings she received felt disconnected from the reality of what it actually means to become a parent.
Research has backed up the idea that the arrival of a child shakes up a marriage in significant ways. Studies going back to the 1980s have consistently noted a drop in marital satisfaction after a baby enters the picture. The reasons most commonly cited include a loss of personal freedom, a dramatic shift in daily routines, and the sheer exhaustion that comes with raising a small child. Interestingly, some of those same studies found that couples often reported feeling happier again once their children grew up and moved out, enjoying the return of independence and the rediscovery of shared habits they had long set aside.
For Sager and her husband, the biggest pre-baby worry wasn’t about emotional distance or romantic neglect. Their main concern was whether the financial pressure of raising a child would bring back old arguments about money. The couple made a deliberate decision ahead of time that they would not fight over baby-related expenses, a proactive step that helped them enter parenthood on more solid footing. That kind of intentional planning, as it turns out, may be more important than many couples realize.
Newer research puts a strong emphasis on the role of shared preparation and mutual mindset going into parenthood. Professors at the University of California, Berkeley have pointed out that many of the older studies suggesting children harm a marriage often failed to account for the attitudes parents held before the child was born. Couples who drifted into parenthood without real discussion or genuine desire for it faced greater struggles than those who entered that chapter intentionally and in agreement with each other.
Researchers Philip and Carolyn Cowan, who have studied this transition extensively, highlight that parents who step into their new roles with awareness and alignment frequently experience what they describe as a “pleasant surprise.” According to the Cowans, the act of planning together can actually strengthen a couple’s sense of connection and shared purpose rather than erode it. The problem, in many cases, is not the child itself but the lack of preparation that precedes the child’s arrival.
Sager is careful to distinguish between the two kinds of love she holds. Her relationship with her husband resembles the bond between best friends and life partners, built on history, choice, and mutual respect. Her love for her daughter, on the other hand, is something she describes as fierce and almost primal. As her husband puts it simply, “It’s a completely different kind of love.” Both are real, both matter deeply, and neither cancels the other out.
There is also a philosophical dimension to how Sager thinks about the permanence of these bonds. A romantic partnership, no matter how strong, exists between two people who had full lives before they met. Parenthood, by contrast, creates a connection that has no “before.” Her daughter would not exist without her, and that irreversible fact carries a particular emotional weight that is hard to match. Once you become a parent, you are a parent forever, and that permanence shapes how the love itself is felt.
In their daily life, the family makes things work through small, conscious adjustments. On some mornings the father gets up early, turns on cartoons, and handles breakfast so the mother can sleep in. On others, the mother takes the morning shift so he can rest. Even their young daughter has her own little ritual before dad leaves for work: a kiss, a hug, and a mandatory high-five. These small routines reflect a household built on cooperation rather than competition for love or attention.
It is worth noting that the transition to parenthood is widely studied in developmental psychology and family science. Researchers often refer to it as one of the most significant “normative stressors” a couple can experience, meaning it is both challenging and extremely common. The concept of “parental love” is considered by many psychologists to be biologically reinforced, involving the same bonding hormones, like oxytocin, that are activated during physical closeness with an infant. This chemical foundation may be part of why the love a parent feels for a child can so quickly feel all-encompassing and unlike any other relationship.
If this topic resonates with you, whether you are a parent, a partner, or somewhere in between, share your thoughts in the comments.
