Sex and intimacy are always evolving, and it can feel like there is a new “rule” every week. The truth is, there is no one right way to connect, because preferences vary widely and what feels exciting to one person may feel uncomfortable to another. Still, a group of sex therapists has pointed out a handful of behaviors they consider genuine dealbreakers in bed because they can damage trust, safety, and closeness. Here are the seven habits they say are best left outside the sheets.
The first is trying something new without clear consent. Sexual therapist Tom Murray stresses that intimacy works best when boundaries are talked about and respected, not treated as optional in the heat of the moment. Surprising a partner with a new act, a new intensity level, or anything that changes the agreement can quickly turn pleasure into anxiety. Beyond emotional fallout, it can also lead to physical discomfort or injury.
Another common mistake is faking an orgasm. It may seem like a quick way to end an awkward moment, but it can quietly erode emotional trust and block real communication about what feels good. Sex therapist Mary Hellstrom notes that our culture often treats sex like a performance with a finish line, even though intimacy can be meaningful without a climax. When pleasure becomes something to “prove,” both partners miss the chance to learn and adjust together.
Therapists also caution against policing fantasies, or assuming you have to approve of what turns your partner on in their imagination. Nazanin Moali explains that desire is shaped by many factors, including stress levels, life stage, environment, and earlier experiences, and fantasies do not automatically equal intentions. It is also normal for a partner to have fantasies that do not include you, and that alone does not mean a relationship agreement has been broken. What matters is how you talk about desires and what you both choose to act on.
Closely related is shaming a partner for a fetish or kink, or shaming yourself for what you want. Incia A. Rashid warns that shame destroys a sense of safety, and without safety, curiosity and connection shrink fast. Hellstrom encourages people to be gentler with themselves when their mind wanders or when desire shows up in unexpected ways, because less shame often means more ease and more fun.
Two final habits revolve around blame and silence. Moali points out that if something goes wrong, especially if a partner struggles with arousal, it is rarely a verdict on your attractiveness, and a supportive question can help more than spiraling into self-criticism. And sexual therapist Janet Brito emphasizes that avoiding “awkward” talks keeps couples stuck, while compassionate, direct communication about needs and pleasure can deepen intimacy over time.
Which of these feels most relevant to modern dating and relationships, and what would you add to the list? Share your thoughts in the comments.
