Mom groups are meant to make early parenthood feel less lonely, a place to swap tips, vent, and laugh with people who get it. But the same tight-knit energy that creates support can also fuel cliques, whispered drama, and a weird sense that you are back in the social politics of school. Actress Ashley Tisdale French recently described that exact feeling in an essay for The Cut, explaining why she walked away from what she called a toxic mom group. She wrote about feeling excluded and noticing a pattern where members were pushed out, and at one point she realized she had become the person on the outside.
The conversation only got louder when Matthew Koma, the husband of Hilary Duff, jumped in to criticize Tisdale and called her self-obsessed, turning a personal story into a public pile-on. Still, the bigger point resonates far beyond Hollywood. Thea Gallagher, an associate professor at NYU Langone Health, told SELF that the need to belong does not end after adolescence, and rejection can sting at any age. She also cautioned that relationships go through phases, and it is worth pausing before making a dramatic exit.
Sometimes the problem is not one huge blow-up, but a steady build of small discomforts. If the group runs on constant gossip, especially the kind that tears down other members, it can leave you feeling unsettled rather than connected. Gallagher notes there is a difference between light chatter and the kind of negativity that makes you question your own values. If you repeatedly leave conversations feeling worse, that matters.
Another warning sign is losing yourself to fit in. Psychologist Tamar Gur at Ohio State University explains that it is normal to adjust your tone in different settings, but constantly editing what you say or monitoring every reaction is a red flag. You might also notice that your core values no longer align, whether it is politics, parenting philosophy, or the way people talk about others. And sometimes the issue is simpler, you want friendship that includes more than diapers, daycare, and the never-ending carousel of kid illnesses.
Life stages can create distance too. If you are going through a divorce, grief, or another major shift, being surrounded by people who cannot relate may intensify the feeling that you are alone in the room. A final clue is how much mental space the group takes up, if you are endlessly replaying chats, decoding invitations, or spiraling over who is included and who is not, the dynamic is no longer healthy.
Before you disappear, experts suggest checking your own patterns, like whether you unintentionally left others out in the past. If it feels safe, try an honest conversation focused on your feelings rather than accusations. If nothing changes, a gradual step back can be kinder than a sudden break, fewer hangouts, slower replies, and a simple explanation if asked.
Have you ever stayed in a mom group that drained you, or left one that no longer felt supportive? Share what helped you decide in the comments.
