Matchmaker and relationship coach Aleeza Ben Shalom has spent more than fifteen years helping singles find lasting love, and her methods are anything but conventional. With a philosophy rooted in deliberate effort rather than fairy-tale chemistry, she regularly challenges the romantic assumptions most people carry into the dating world. Writing in the Wall Street Journal, she described what she calls “Disney dates” as the misguided belief that bells will ring and angels will sing the moment you meet the right person. For Shalom, that kind of thinking sets people up for failure before the first date even begins.
Her most talked-about piece of advice is also her most polarizing: keep going on dates with someone until you are absolutely certain they are not right for you. “I don’t mean that you should literally hate them,” she clarified, “but that you should keep dating until you are one hundred percent sure this is definitively not the person for you.” The logic behind it is surprisingly simple. If you are still on the fence, you do not actually know yet, and the only way to find out is to keep showing up. It sounds uncomfortable, but Shalom argues that ambiguity is not a reason to quit.
The advice quickly sparked heated debate on social media after it began circulating, with many users pushing back hard. One commenter called it “the worst dating advice ever,” according to YourTango. Others found it refreshingly practical in a culture that tends to romanticize instant connection. Shalom has not backed down from the idea, framing it as a challenge to the widespread habit of giving up on potential partners before anything real has had the chance to develop.
Another rule she advocates for is holding off on any physical intimacy during the first five dates. “Love may be blind, but touch is blinding,” she wrote, suggesting that physical chemistry can cause people to overlook fundamental incompatibilities. According to Shalom, moving too quickly into physical closeness often short-circuits the process of actually getting to know someone. The result is that people end up attached to someone they have never truly evaluated with a clear head.
She also has strong opinions about phone use during dates, and they are non-negotiable in her view. “Put your phone down. You are not allowed to look at it even once during the date,” she instructed. Instead, she encourages people to make eye contact, ask genuine questions, and listen carefully to the answers. “I am often surprised by how little people value the power of undivided attention,” she added, noting that simply being present can make an enormous difference in how a connection develops.
Her stance on splitting the bill has also drawn plenty of online commentary, with reactions ranging from enthusiastic agreement to outright frustration. One man commented on Instagram that if a man is expected to pay, women should at least show some interest in return, questioning where equality fits into that picture. Another accused her of simply advocating for free meals. Shalom pushed back against both readings of her position, saying the act of paying is not about gender dynamics or power but about demonstrating openness and optimism toward the other person.
Lasting love, in Shalom’s view, is something that has to be grown on purpose. “Lasting love requires much more than what you see at first glance,” she wrote. “It can and should be intentionally nurtured, like a good habit.” For a generation raised on swipe culture and instant chemistry, that framing feels almost radical.
The concept of “companionate love,” which develops gradually through shared experience rather than immediate passion, has actually been studied by researchers for decades, with some findings suggesting it tends to produce more stable long-term relationships than passion-first bonding. Studies on arranged marriages, particularly in South Asian cultures, have found that reported satisfaction often increases over time rather than declining, which is roughly the opposite of what tends to happen in passion-driven Western relationships. There is also research suggesting that the “butterflies” feeling people associate with attraction is partially an anxiety response, meaning the absence of nerves on a first date might actually signal comfort rather than lack of chemistry.
What do you think of Aleeza Ben Shalom’s approach to modern dating? Share your thoughts in the comments.
