Grief is a universal human experience, yet social norms often determine who gets to receive comfort and who is quietly expected to hold it together. When a father shared his story on Reddit about losing his nine-year-old son to cancer roughly a decade ago, he wasn’t just processing personal pain. He was putting words to something countless men have felt but rarely say out loud, and the response was overwhelming.
The man described a devastatingly lopsided dynamic in the wake of his child’s death. “Hundreds of people asked my wife how she was doing and offered her support. Many asked me how she was doing, how the kids were, and told me I had to be strong for her and our two remaining children. Only a few close friends asked how I was doing. Not one female friend. Not even my mother. It simply never occurred to them. It was truly awful. Not because I think my wife didn’t deserve support. Of course she did, but so did I,” he wrote.
The post generated roughly 2,600 comments, a number that speaks to how deeply the topic resonates. Men and women alike flooded the thread with their own accounts of being overlooked in moments of crisis. One commenter described going through a divorce after his wife chose addiction over their family, and despite being the parent raising their children full-time, people in his community continued to check in on his ex-wife and invite her to family events. “That’s not fair,” he wrote simply.
Another man shared that after his home burned down and his family lost everything, the community rallied around his wife and children with clothing and supplies. He received nothing. A year later, he was still struggling to piece together a wardrobe. The thread took a quietly moving turn when another commenter responded immediately, asking for his size and offering to have clothes dry-cleaned and sent to him.
Not every response reflected the same sense of abandonment. Some men shared that they felt genuinely supported by the women in their lives, and reading the thread made them appreciate those relationships even more. “While reading these comments, I appreciate my wife and mother even more. They truly support me when I tell them something hurts or that I’m depressed,” one man wrote, adding that he felt sorry for everyone sharing their struggles.
Writer Nick Norman explored this pattern in an article for Psychology Today, describing what he called a quiet epidemic affecting men’s emotional health. “According to the CDC, one in ten men experiences anxiety or depression, yet less than half seek help. They are generally less likely to seek assistance for mental or emotional difficulties,” Norman noted. He argued that the root of the problem is cultural rather than biological. “The real issue isn’t that men grieve differently. The problem is that the cultural expectations of Western society largely discourage men from grieving openly,” he wrote. Norman also called on men to create space for one another, pointing out that rigid masculinity norms can lead men to shame each other for showing emotion, “creating even more pain where support is most needed.”
Jeanette Lorandini, founder of the Suffolk DBT Center in New York, explained to Upworthy how these patterns often take hold long before adulthood. “Many boys grow up in environments where their emotions are dismissed. From a young age, they are taught that showing sadness or vulnerability is a sign of weakness and that they need to ‘be strong.’ Over time, this can lead men to learn to hide their feelings rather than understand and confront them. They may become skilled at concealing emotions from others, but that doesn’t mean those feelings don’t exist,” she said.
Lorandini pointed to mindfulness as one pathway toward healthier grieving. “Mindfulness encourages people to slow down, notice their emotional state, and allow themselves to feel grief rather than suppress it. When someone doesn’t allow themselves those important moments of mourning, they develop what we call suppressed grief. It doesn’t go away, it stays buried. Grief won’t disappear until it’s experienced. It can often manifest later in other ways, such as anger, substance abuse, overworking, or other maladaptive behavioral patterns,” she explained. Her conclusion was measured but hopeful: “Grief doesn’t require someone to fall apart, but it does ask for space to be experienced. Learning to move through grief in small, manageable moments, while gradually moving forward, can help men cope with loss in a way that honors both their emotional needs and their role in the family.”
Men account for roughly 80 percent of all deaths by suicide in the United States, a figure researchers consistently link to the stigma surrounding emotional expression and help-seeking among males. Studies have also found that men are significantly more likely to describe their closest friend as their romantic partner, meaning the loss of a relationship can leave them with virtually no emotional support network at all. The phrase “man up” has been documented in academic literature as a genuine barrier to men accessing mental health care, with some studies showing that men who strongly endorse traditional masculinity norms are up to three times less likely to seek therapy.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your grief or pain went unacknowledged? Share your thoughts in the comments.
