When a child is upset, a lot of adults reach for the same reflexive line, “What’s wrong?” It sounds caring, but it can feel like an interrogation to a kid who is already overwhelmed. Instead of opening up, children often shut down, get defensive, or escalate because they do not yet have the words for what is happening inside them. That is why one simple shift in language can change the entire tone of a tense moment.
Mindful parenting expert Reem Raouda, who has worked with families for years, argues that emotional intelligence grows when kids feel safe enough to express feelings without being judged. Drawing on her work with more than 200 children, she highlights a single sentence that often helps them pause and communicate more clearly. The question is, “Tell me what feels hard right now.” It is not a trick, but it is structured in a way that matches how children actually experience big emotions.
A key reason it works is that it reduces the automatic “fight or flight” reaction many kids have when they think they are in trouble. The word “hard” is gentle and nonthreatening, and it does not demand a neat explanation on the spot. It signals that the adult is not looking for a confession or a defense. For a child mid tantrum or on the verge of tears, that softer landing can be the difference between staying connected or shutting the conversation down completely.
It also helps children build emotional language naturally, without forcing them to label feelings perfectly. Many kids cannot immediately say they feel anxious, embarrassed, or disappointed, but they can describe what is difficult, confusing, or too much. They might talk about a moment at school, a conflict with a sibling, or a fear they cannot name yet. Over time, these small descriptions expand their emotional vocabulary in an organic way. The focus stays on understanding, not on getting the “right” answer.
Another benefit is the sense of emotional safety it creates before any advice, discipline, or problem solving begins. A calm adult response communicates a powerful message, “I can handle what you’re feeling.” That reassurance matters because kids often worry that their emotions are too big, too messy, or unacceptable. When they see an adult stay steady, they learn that feelings can be tolerated and explored. This is one of the foundations of emotional intelligence, because it teaches children that emotions are information, not emergencies.
Raouda also emphasizes how this phrasing gives children a sense of control. Instead of demanding an explanation, it invites reflection, and the child decides how much to share and when. That choice builds confidence and strengthens self regulation, especially for children who feel easily cornered by direct questioning. Even a short response like “It’s hard when you leave” or “It’s hard when they laugh” is a meaningful step toward self awareness. The goal is not a perfect conversation, but a steady practice of staying present together.
There is also a nervous system reason the approach can help in the moment. When children feel emotionally safe, their stress response can start to settle, which makes thinking and talking more possible. That is why the question can be especially useful when a child’s reaction seems “too much” for the situation. The first job is to calm the internal alarm, and only then can a child process what happened. A supportive prompt like “Tell me what feels hard right now” supports that sequence rather than fighting it.
Just as importantly, it normalizes emotions as part of everyday life rather than something that must be fixed immediately. When adults rush to solve, minimize, or distract, kids can learn that uncomfortable feelings should be pushed away. This different approach suggests that feelings can be experienced, understood, and allowed to pass with time. It also models emotional intelligence in action because children learn through lived experience, not lectures. When caregivers respond with steady curiosity instead of pressure, kids begin copying that same steadiness with themselves.
More broadly, emotional intelligence is usually described as the ability to recognize emotions, understand what triggers them, and manage responses in a healthy way. Many psychologists link it to skills like empathy, communication, frustration tolerance, and problem solving, all of which can shape relationships at home and at school. In child development, adults often talk about co regulation, which is when a calm caregiver helps a child return to baseline through tone of voice, facial expression, and patient listening. Over time, repeated co regulation becomes self regulation, meaning the child gradually learns to do those calming steps internally.
If you try this approach, it helps to keep your voice low, your body language relaxed, and your expectations realistic, especially during the first few tries. Some children will answer right away, while others may need silence, a hug, or a few minutes before they can speak. What matters is that the invitation stays open and the child feels respected, even if they only share a little. Share your thoughts on whether “Tell me what feels hard right now” would work in your home in the comments.
