Imagine guys with perfect eyesight slipping on fake glasses, filling their wardrobes with only second-hand clothes, and carrying around books by Joan Didion just to look more appealing. This kind of over-the-top effort has become a noticeable pattern in modern dating, especially among younger men who seem to struggle with genuine connections.
A recent survey by the language learning platform Babbel, working with Talker Research and involving two thousand millennials and Gen Z participants, found that sixteen percent admit to picking up so-called attractive hobbies purely to boost their desirability. Among younger men, that number jumps to twenty-two percent, which is double the rate reported by women.
@trollgenn Matcha homage selvedge denim wired headphones #fyp #preformative #fashion #homage #selvedgedenim #16oz ♬ original sound – trollgenn
This behavior points to what some call performative men, guys who turn everyday life into a carefully staged show aimed at attracting partners. On TikTok, people have been sharing humorous videos that poke fun at these efforts, showing men who suddenly embrace vintage fashion, pretend to love obscure literature, or act overly sensitive in ways that feel forced and awkward. TikToker @ellabellaaa_ has pointed out how this shift moves away from the old dominant alpha male image toward something gentler and more emotionally accessible, yet often it comes across as inauthentic. Many young men appear convinced that projecting enlightenment or maturity will set them apart from the crowd and make them irresistible.
@ellabellaaa_ The performative man what is it? And are you one? 👀 #performativeman ♬ original sound – Eloise Dalais
Therapist Erik Anderson, speaking previously to USA Today, views this through the lens of evolutionary psychology. He explains that people sometimes adopt behaviors they think will help with attraction, even if those actions stem from deeper, not fully conscious motivations. While some habits like starting to exercise seem reasonable, with sixty-two percent trying it for appeal and fifty-four percent actually finding it attractive in others, the gaps appear elsewhere. For instance, fifty-five percent picked up video games thinking it would impress, but only thirty-six percent see gaming as a genuinely attractive trait in a partner. Anderson notes that such patterns have persisted throughout history because they deliver at least partial results, suggesting there is nothing inherently wrong with adapting to connect better.
@sspencerevans Always reading and drinking matcha #performative #fypシ #skitscomedy #foryoupageofficiall #clario ♬ original sound – Spencer
Still, when the performance becomes too obvious or exaggerated, it often backfires and invites ridicule instead of romance. Social media mockery can quickly turn a trend unappealing, prompting many to drop it to avoid being labeled as try-hards. This mirrors how other exaggerated roles, like certain female behaviors labeled as performative, faded once they faced widespread teasing. The hope is that as these tactics lose their shine, people will lean toward more real and straightforward ways of building relationships.
@kayzi3000 Everyone got the assignment @20 september 2025 #performativemale #amsterdam #labubu #matcha #feminism ♬ son original – Pearlfection
In the end, this trend underscores a broader challenge in today’s dating scene, where insecurity pushes some toward elaborate facades rather than simple confidence and honesty. Erik Anderson adds that once a behavior gets socially ridiculed, plenty of people abandon it fast to steer clear of the negative association. As performative approaches fade, there is real potential for more authentic interactions to take their place in everyday romance.
What do you think about guys picking up hobbies just to seem more attractive, share your thoughts in the comments.
