First dates are nerve-wracking enough without having to decode whether your potential partner is showing genuine warning signs or simply having an off night. Erika Ettin, a relationship advisor with 15 years of experience, says she constantly gets questions about red flags, particularly when it comes to first dates. She is quick to point out that not every awkward moment or quirky comment deserves alarm bells, and that many things simply come down to personal preference or compatibility. Someone might not click with another person’s sense of humor or fashion choices, and that is perfectly normal.
What Ettin wants people to understand is that a true red flag has nothing to do with taste and everything to do with character. “A red flag is a universal problem connected to character, like dishonesty, lack of empathy, disrespect, or manipulation,” she told CNBC. These are behaviors that can genuinely threaten emotional or physical safety within a relationship. According to Ettin, certain phrases that come up on a first date can reveal these patterns almost immediately.
The first phrase to watch out for is any version of “my ex was crazy” or placing the entire blame for a past breakup on the other person. Ettin explains that someone who immediately badmouths a former partner may be signaling that they are unwilling to take responsibility for their own role in a relationship’s failure. It can also suggest a lack of social awareness, since a first date is far too early to be diving into that kind of territory. As Ettin points out, the person speaking that way about an ex could easily be speaking the same way about you someday.
The second phrase involves making comments tied to race, religion, or ethnicity. Ettin shared the experience of a client whose date told her he had never gone out with a woman who was not brown-skinned. The client was white and of Jewish heritage, and the man went on to explain that he had once found comedian Sarah Silverman attractive and figured he might like Jewish women. Ettin is clear that nobody should feel pressured to represent an entire racial, religious, or ethnic group on a date. Every person deserves to be seen and valued as an individual rather than as a stand-in for a broader category.
The third phrase is “I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.” Ettin does not dismiss this as automatically problematic, but she urges people to take it at face value rather than hoping the person will change their mind. If someone is genuinely seeking a committed relationship, this kind of statement is a clear signal that the two people may be heading in very different directions. Ettin adds that the word “currently” in that sentence often functions as a softer way of saying “never” or at the very least “not with you.”
The fourth and perhaps most transactional-sounding phrase is “I’ll pay if we go on a second date.” Ettin recounted being contacted by a woman whose date made exactly that offer, framing the bill as something she would need to earn through a follow-up meeting. Ettin sees this as a troubling dynamic because it treats the other person as though they owe something in exchange for a pleasant evening. Her advice for handling that situation is refreshingly direct. If the person reaches out for another date, Ettin recommends a simple and gracious response along the lines of “Thank you for a pleasant time. Unfortunately, I didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for, but I wish you all the best.”
What ties all four of these phrases together is that they each reveal something about how a person views accountability, boundaries, and other people in general. Ettin’s broader message is that a first date is not just about chemistry or surface-level attraction but also about gathering real information about who someone is at their core. Paying attention to the words people choose, even in casual conversation, can save a great deal of heartache down the line.
Research consistently shows that people form lasting impressions within the first few minutes of meeting someone, but most are also terrible at detecting deception face-to-face, rating themselves as accurate only around 54 percent of the time, barely better than a coin flip. Studies on first date behavior also suggest that the questions people avoid answering are often more revealing than the ones they do answer. And perhaps the most quietly unsettling finding of all is that people who talk excessively about their exes on first dates are statistically more likely to still be emotionally invested in those past relationships regardless of what they claim.
Have you ever encountered one of these phrases on a first date, and how did you handle it? Share your experience in the comments.
