Becoming a single mom when you’ve been parenting with a partner is a tough transition. Although you might still have your ex around to share the parenting duties, it’s different to everyone living together as one family and household. Some may say that being a single mom only means being the sole parent, with no one else in the picture. But the broader definition of being a single mom (or single dad) is that you’re not together with the other parent of your children. You might be co-parenting, but you still live in separate households and do a lot of work on your own. Even if you’re separated but still living together, you might call yourself a single mom. The definition is yours to choose.
That being said transitioning from being in a relationship and parenting your child or children together to being single isn’t easy. There’s a lot to work through, and it affects your whole family, not just you. You’re still tied to your ex through your children, and you have to find a new normal for your relationship, what your family looks like, and how you manage your life. With so much to adjust to, both for you and your children, it can take a while before things start to feel normal. Here are some tips to make it through the transition and settle into a new life as a single mom.
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Talking to Your Children About Your Separation
One of the toughest parts of separating from your partner or spouse is talking to your children about it. It’s an inevitability of separation or divorce, but you obviously don’t want to upset your kids. Every child is different, so it’s ultimately up to you what exactly you want to say, based on what you think is best. However, there are a few tips that you might want to keep in mind.
- Only give your children the information that they need – they don’t need to know about whether someone has had an affair, but they do need to know who is moving out.
- Use language they will understand – keep it simple and concise for younger children or children with learning differences.
- Comfort your children and let them know that they can be upset and feel their feelings, but that life is moving on and a new chapter is beginning.
- Talk about how things will change day-to-day but focus on their point of view – who will pick them up from school or put them to bed?
- Don’t make up answers to questions if you don’t know – let them know that you’re not sure and maybe you can find out later.
- Be in familiar surroundings, if possible.
- Avoid talking badly about the other parent and casting blame (this should be something you always strive to do).
- Seek assistance to handle your own emotions.
Working Out Living Arrangements
One of the big questions, when you’re separating, is who will live where. If you decide that someone will leave the family home, who will it be and where will they go? It’s often the primary parent – whoever does the majority of childcare – if there is one, who will stay in the family home with the children. If one of you is leaving, staying with friends or family might be arranged, or perhaps finding a new place to rent or buy could be the best option.
Some couples might decide to stay living together for a while, or even indefinitely. This could work if you need more time to make arrangements or even if your relationship is still amicable and you want to try living together as friends and “roommates”. Of course, this is best if you have a spare bedroom so you can each have your own space. This isn’t an arrangement that works for everyone, but it can sometimes be a practical option.
Child Custody When You Separate/Divorce
Child custody is often the most difficult issue to work out when you separate from your children’s other parent. Should you split it on a 50/50 basis, and if so, how? Is it better for them to be in one place during the week and visit their other parent on the weekends, or should they have one week in one home and one week in another? Some parents are able to work these things out together, without any help from elsewhere. However, it can also be useful to have the help of a mediator or lawyer, and it may sometimes end up going to court.
It’s always best to try and work out child custody between you, if you can. Creating a formal agreement can help you later if there are any disputes or you want to renegotiate. But it’s not always possible to work out these things in a civilized manner. If it starts to get ugly, it’s always important to remember that you should be doing what’s best for your children. Always keep them in mind during custody disputes and work to get the best outcome for them.
Dealing with Finances as a Single Parent
Separating can have a huge impact on your finances. You’re possibly moving from a two-income household to a single-income household. If you’ve been a stay-at-home mom, you will no longer have your partner’s income to support your family. Of course, there might be arrangements for child support and alimony or spousal support put in place. This helps to ensure that your children don’t suffer due to your separation.
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Even when you do receive child support, you might find that you need to reassess your finances. It’s even more difficult if your ex is having financial problems or has left you to deal with money issues. Debt can be a big problem when you’re getting divorced, especially if you have shared debts. As always consult your own attorney, but on the Leinart Firm website, you can learn what happens if your spouse files for bankruptcy during divorce and what steps you should take if it happens. Be sure to check the guidelines for your state and with counsel barred in your region, but their bankruptcy attorneys have experience that can assist you in managing the situation.
Learning to live as a single parent means having to look at your financial situation. You might need to create a new budget to adjust to a different level of income. Seeking the guidance of a trusted financial advisor could be a smart idea. But you can also get lots of advice and information online to help you take a good look at your finances
Getting Support
It’s always important to have support when you become a single parent. Having friends and family you can lean on ensures you have people to talk to and that you’re not alone. As well as friends and relatives, you might find it’s helpful to talk to other parents, neighbors, and other people around you who can offer you support. Try looking for single parent groups, whether online or in real life, if you want to talk to other people who are in the same situation as you.
You might need to consider organizing a new support network. If your work hours have changed or you no longer have your partner to watch your children as you did before, you might need to look for new childcare arrangements. It might be necessary to look for daycare options, make use of school clubs, or use babysitters to ensure you always have someone to watch your children when you’re not available.
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How to Handle Co-parenting
Co-parenting your children when you’re separated from their other parent can be difficult, but it is possible. It can be hard when there are negative feelings between you, especially when you’re not both willing to be civil and put in the work. If you both commit to doing what’s best for your children, you can learn to work together to make parenting decisions and make sure your kids always get what they need. Of course, this is easier if it’s something that you were able to do successfully when you were together. It might be a little more complicated when you’re not a couple, but you can still spend time discussing different decisions.
There are some rules that you might want to agree on, such as when you need to ask each other about a parenting decision. There are plenty of small things that either of you could do with your children without having to check in with the other. And there are larger decisions that you need to discuss or make sure you both agree to before anything can happen. Setting these ground rules early can make it easier to navigate co-parenting.
Life Outside of Being a Parent
Your children will always come first, but it’s also important for single moms to have a life outside of being a mother. Ensuring you’re still connected with your family and that you have a social life with friends is essential. If your children aren’t with you, it can be hard not to miss them, but you also have the opportunity to enjoy some time to yourself and do what you want with it. Eventually, you might also want to start dating too.
Becoming a single parent is a difficult emotional and practical journey, but you can find your new normal.
