Co parenting can sound like a warm, picture perfect arrangement, but after a divorce it often feels anything but. For many parents, the day to day reality is a mix of tension, frustration, and conversations that go nowhere. Relationship therapist Alisa Jaffe Holleron says she hears the same worries again and again, that it is impossible to cooperate, that an ex refuses compromise, or that teamwork is a fantasy. The comforting part is that children can still thrive even when former partners are not close and do not see eye to eye.
A big reason this topic feels so heavy is the pressure baked into the modern idea of co parenting. When the ideal is constant collaboration, any conflict can feel like proof that you are failing your child. Yet you cannot force another adult to communicate well, show up consistently, or handle emotions maturely. When all your energy goes into trying to manage an ex’s behavior, you often end up more exhausted and more reactive, which spills into the moments your child needs you calm.
One of the most practical shifts is accepting what you cannot control, even when it is unfair. Letting go is not the same as approving of what your ex does, it is choosing not to donate your peace to it. That acceptance can come with real grief, because it means releasing the hope that things will suddenly become easy. But once you stop wrestling with the unchangeable, you free up emotional space for your child.
Another key is being fully present when your child is with you. Anger tends to hijack attention, so even if you are in the same room, you are not truly there. The goal is to protect your time together from becoming a replay of old arguments in your head. Small habits help, like putting your phone away, slowing down, and noticing your child’s mood, stories, and cues in real time.
Since you cannot shape the atmosphere in your ex’s home, your greatest gift is the tone you set in yours. A steady, safe environment becomes a reset button for kids who may be navigating two very different worlds. If one home is chaotic and the other is grounded, children learn what stability feels like and that it is possible. Reminding yourself that your ex will not “ruin” your child can also lower the stress level in your own space, which your child will feel immediately.
Finally, make a point of looking for what is going right. Divorce can trigger guilt, and guilt has a way of narrowing your focus to everything you wish were different. Notice the ordinary wins, a calm bedtime, a shared joke, a peaceful car ride, a kind moment after a hard day. Those memories matter, and they build a sense of security your child can carry between homes.
What has helped you keep parenting steady after a breakup, and what do you wish more people understood about it? Share your thoughts in the comments.
