One of the world’s leading divorce attorneys, James Sexton, has spent over 25 years guiding couples through the painful process of separation, and he says the real culprit behind most failed marriages is not what people expect. According to Sexton, the vast majority of marriages don’t collapse because of one dramatic event or a single catastrophic betrayal. Instead, they fall apart through a slow and largely invisible process he calls “drifting.” While the often-repeated statistic warns that half of all marriages end in divorce, more recent research suggests that figure has actually dropped to around 40 percent.
Sexton appeared on the popular podcast ‘Diary of a CEO’ to share his perspective, and he described drifting as a quiet accumulation of small disconnections that partners tend to dismiss or ignore in the moment. “Drifting is those little disconnections. Small things that don’t mean anything by themselves,” he explained, adding with a touch of dark humor that he’s confident this very phenomenon will keep him busy for the rest of his career. The problem, he says, is that each individual moment seems harmless, so couples convince themselves there’s nothing worth addressing.
He illustrated the concept with a vivid analogy about nature. “No single raindrop is responsible for the flood. It’s just a drop,” Sexton said, before connecting it to relationships. “But drifting is the growing number of those small disconnections that eventually lead to what we experience as the great marriage killer. By the time you reach the point where you say ‘here’s why we’re getting divorced,’ the real reason isn’t those last drops at all — it’s everything that accumulated long before.” You can watch video here.
When asked whether couples generally notice these early warning signs and simply choose to push them aside, Sexton agreed that this is exactly what happens. He pointed to two things working against couples in those moments: a natural human aversion to discomfort and the widespread belief that love should feel effortless and easy. Because people don’t want to deal with temporary awkwardness or difficult conversations, they let small tensions slide day after day until the relationship has drifted too far to course-correct without serious effort.
Beyond the philosophy of failing marriages, Sexton has also witnessed some truly remarkable prenuptial agreements during his career. He once described a clause where a man stipulated that his future wife would lose $10,000 per month in alimony for every 10 pounds she gained during the marriage. Sexton admitted he was stunned that the woman agreed to marry someone who would even propose such a condition. He has also encountered agreements with clauses governing the frequency of intimacy in the marriage, and even bans on specific hairstyles, reflecting just how specific and controlling some prenuptial negotiations can get.
Given the nature of his work, Sexton holds a somewhat cynical view of the institution of marriage as a whole. He compared it to a lottery ticket and said it sounds like something with “low odds of being a winner.” That said, his perspective is shaped by the fact that every couple he has ever worked with represents a marriage that did not survive, so his sample is, by definition, skewed toward failure and heartbreak.
Marriage as a legal institution dates back thousands of years and has taken vastly different forms across cultures and eras. In the United States, marriage law is governed at the state level, which means the rules around divorce, alimony, and prenuptial agreements vary significantly depending on where a couple lives. Prenuptial agreements, once considered taboo or a sign of mistrust, have become increasingly common and are now recognized as practical legal tools for protecting both parties. Divorce rates in the U.S. surged in the 1970s following the introduction of no-fault divorce laws but have been gradually declining since the 1980s, partly due to couples marrying later in life and more carefully considering their compatibility before tying the knot. Research in relationship psychology consistently shows that communication patterns, financial stress, and unmet emotional needs are among the strongest predictors of marital dissatisfaction and eventual separation.
If Sexton’s insights about drifting resonate with you or if you’ve experienced something similar in your own relationships, share your thoughts in the comments.
