Many couples in long-term relationships notice their intimate moments becoming predictable and routine over time. This common pattern often follows a familiar sequence that prioritizes reaching a specific goal rather than enjoying the journey. Sex and intimacy coach Hannah Johnson, popularly known online as The Libido Fairy, points out how this approach can diminish excitement and connection. She encourages partners to shift their mindset for more fulfilling experiences.
Johnson describes the typical routine as riding an escalator, where intimacy progresses in a straight line from kissing to touching, oral activities, penetration, and orgasm. Partners feel obligated to follow this path every time, even if they are not fully engaged or aroused. This linear style creates unnecessary pressure and can lead to autopilot encounters that lack presence. As a result, desire may fade, leaving one or both feeling unsatisfied.
To counter this, Johnson promotes what she calls playing pinball during intimate moments. The idea involves bouncing freely between various pleasurable activities without a fixed order or end goal. Couples can switch spontaneously between making out, massage, using hands or toys, oral pleasure, dry humping, cuddling, or even laughing together. This playful exploration keeps things fresh and focused on mutual enjoyment.
One key advantage of the pinball approach is reducing expectations around performance. “It reduces pressure and expectation for performance or for things to go perfectly, and keeps you in the moment instead of zoning out on autopilot,” Johnson explains. “This is how you create a fun and vibrant sex life.” By removing the need to reach penetration every session, partners stay more connected and present.
Johnson also highlights why decentering penetration matters, especially for women. “Research consistently shows that around 70 to 75 percent of women do not orgasm from penetration alone,” she notes. “That means the majority of women require clitoral stimulation, extended touch, and gradual build-up to experience pleasure and climax.” The pinball method naturally incorporates these elements through varied touch and activities.
For couples who struggle with spontaneity, Johnson suggests starting with a shared sex menu. This involves listing appealing ideas or new things to try, such as role play, tickling, eye gazing, or incorporating hydration breaks. The menu serves as a gentle guide without rigid rules. Over time, it helps build confidence in exploring different paths to pleasure.
Another contrast Johnson draws is how escalator-style intimacy can feel mechanical. “You start at the bottom of the escalator and feel like you’re supposed to ride it all the way to the top every time, whether you’re fully present, turned on, or not,” she says. Pinballing breaks this script by treating all forms of touch as equally valid. It turns sessions into playful discovery rather than a checklist.
Many partners report renewed interest when they adopt this flexible style. Without the pressure to perform a full sequence, they often find themselves eager for more frequent connections. The method works well for busy couples or those navigating changes in desire. Simple shifts like pausing to cuddle or switching activities can reignite spark.
In broader sexual health contexts, experts often emphasize communication and variety as foundations for lasting satisfaction. Long-term relationships benefit from ongoing curiosity about each other’s evolving preferences. Focusing on pleasure over goals aligns with advice from many therapists who encourage mindfulness during intimacy. Techniques like this help combat habituation, where familiarity reduces excitement.
Clitoral stimulation remains a crucial aspect of female pleasure, supported by numerous studies in sexual medicine. Erogenous zones beyond genitals, such as necks, ears, or thighs, also play significant roles in arousal. Incorporating toys or manual touch expands options for shared enjoyment. Open discussions about boundaries and desires strengthen emotional bonds alongside physical ones.
Have you experimented with varying your intimate routines or creating a shared list of ideas? Share your thoughts in the comments.
