How often couples should have sex to keep a relationship happy and stable is a question that never really goes away. Some people swear by the idea that “the more, the better,” while others believe emotional closeness matters far more than any number. Real life also gets in the way, since age, kids, stress, and work can all shift what intimacy looks like in a given season. Still, one expert argues there is a practical answer that many couples might not expect.
Human sexuality specialist Nicole McNichols says a steady rhythm matters more than chasing an extreme. McNichols is a professor of human sexuality at the University of Washington, and she looked at data from thousands of couples who kept journals about their sex lives and how satisfied they felt in their relationships. Her takeaway challenges a common assumption about cause and effect. Instead of happy couples automatically having more sex, she suggests that feeling good about your sexual connection can come first and then lift overall relationship satisfaction.
That framing can feel validating if you have ever wondered whether you are doing something wrong when life gets busy. It also highlights why pressure and comparison can backfire, because anxiety tends to push people further apart. If sexual satisfaction feeds relationship satisfaction, then the goal is not a perfect record but a connection that actually feels good for both partners. In that context, frequency is a tool, not a scoreboard.
When McNichols shared the number couples could aim for, she kept it surprisingly simple. “For happiness in a relationship, sex once a week is completely enough.” She added that having sex more often does not automatically create more closeness, even though there is nothing wrong with more if both people want it. She also emphasized that this pace is realistic even for very busy couples, which can make it feel less like a luxury and more like something you can plan for.
That weekly benchmark is not meant to turn intimacy into a chore. It is more like a workable middle ground that helps couples stay connected without making anyone feel like they are failing. For some couples, once a week will be too little, and for others it will be too much. The main point is that there is a level that can support relationship wellbeing without demanding constant energy.
McNichols also stresses that frequency alone is not the full story. She argues that quality matters, because better experiences make it more likely that partners will view the relationship as fulfilling and secure. If sex feels rushed, tense, or disconnected, adding more of it will not necessarily fix the underlying issue. On the other hand, when intimacy feels safe and mutually enjoyable, couples often find it easier to maintain a consistent rhythm.
To avoid drifting into routine, she suggests weaving in something new about once a month. She is careful to note that novelty does not have to be dramatic, expensive, or performative. “That doesn’t mean you have to run to a sex shop every four weeks.” In her view, small shifts can be enough to wake up curiosity and keep partners present with each other.
Those changes can be subtle and still meaningful, like trying a different position, choosing another room, or picking a different time of day than usual. Travel or a vacation can naturally change the vibe, but you do not need a trip to create variety. Even simple choices like having the lights on or off can make an experience feel new. The point is to break autopilot in a way that feels comfortable rather than forced.
Her broader message is that couples do best when they build a version of intimacy that fits their relationship instead of copying someone else’s. That means both people should feel safe, relaxed, and free enough to express what they need. Communication matters here, along with clear preferences and an experience that feels good for both partners. When couples can talk honestly, they are more likely to find a rhythm that supports closeness instead of creating stress.
As a general guide, it helps to remember that libido naturally fluctuates over time, and that does not automatically signal a problem. Health, sleep, mental load, medication, and major life changes can all affect desire, and many couples cycle through higher and lower periods. A sustainable sex life is usually less about constant intensity and more about staying emotionally connected when things shift. Consent, kindness, and mutual respect are the foundation, and everything else works better when those are solid.
If you and your partner want to strengthen intimacy, consider talking about what helps each of you feel desired and supported. Some couples benefit from scheduling time together, not because romance should be rigid, but because intention can protect connection in a busy week. If mismatched desire becomes painful or confusing, speaking with a qualified therapist or counselor can offer tools for communication and compromise. The goal is not to match a universal number, but to build a shared approach that feels satisfying and sustainable.
What do you think about the idea that once a week can be enough for a happy relationship, and how have you and your partner found the right rhythm for you, share your thoughts in the comments.
