In the middle of an argument, it can feel satisfying to say the sharp, clever thing that pops into your head. It’s also the fastest way to turn a small disagreement into a full-blown blowup. A couples therapist is urging partners to avoid one specific impulse that can quietly corrode trust over time, even in otherwise solid relationships. The fix is surprisingly simple, but it takes intention.
Sinead Smyth, a couples therapist who has been married to her husband for 22 years, says the one thing she tries never to do is blurt out whatever she feels like saying in the heat of the moment. Instead, she gives herself a brief pause before responding, even if it’s only a few seconds. Her point is not to silence yourself or dodge hard conversations. It’s to stop the kind of reflexive remark that can’t be taken back once it lands.
Smyth describes it as checking herself and taking three seconds before she speaks. In that short window, she can tell whether her next sentence is actually helpful, or whether it’s just fuel. She notes that when emotions are high, words tend to come out clumsy at best and cruel at worst, and the message you meant to communicate gets buried under the delivery. The pause creates room for a calmer version of you to stay in the conversation.
She’s also upfront that this wasn’t always her habit. Like many of us, she used to respond on impulse, and those unfiltered comments didn’t exactly move her relationship forward. Over time, she found that a tiny delay often revealed something important. Sometimes what you’re about to say isn’t true in the way you think it is, and sometimes it’s true but still not worth saying in that exact moment.
The appeal of the three-second rule is that it doesn’t require a script or a perfect communication style. It’s a small brake you can tap when your body is in fight mode and your brain is reaching for a quick win. You still get to address what bothered you, but you’re less likely to do it in a way that leaves your partner feeling attacked. It’s a habit that protects the relationship from the kind of casual damage that adds up.
Have you ever tried pausing mid-argument, and did it change how the conversation went? Share what’s worked for you in the comments.
