“But you had a good childhood.” It’s a line many parents reach for when an adult son or daughter tries to explain how unhappy they felt growing up. Psychologist Samantha Rodman Whiten argues that this kind of pushback may feel like self-protection, but it often shuts down the very conversation that could bring you closer. If your adult child is willing to talk about their sadness or anger, that’s not proof they’ve written you off. It can be a sign you still matter enough for them to risk being honest.
When an adult child brings up painful memories, they’re usually asking for empathy, not a courtroom-style defense. Whiten says many parents respond by collecting “evidence” of a good upbringing, hoping it will erase the hurt. The problem is that denying your child’s lived experience can make them feel unseen all over again. A more helpful shift is learning to hold two truths at once, that you may have tried your best and that parts of their childhood still didn’t feel safe, supportive, or loving to them.
One reason these conversations spiral is something Whiten describes as polarization. No childhood is entirely good or entirely bad, yet the more a parent insists it was mostly wonderful, the more the adult child feels forced to prove the painful parts were real. Both sides dig in, not because they want distance, but because they want to be understood. When a parent finally takes their child’s feelings seriously, it often becomes easier for the adult child to remember the good as well, and the relationship can soften in surprising ways.
It’s tempting to blame family rifts on modern culture, social media, or trendy language like “toxic” and “no contact.” Whiten pushes back on that idea, saying estrangement isn’t new, it’s simply discussed more openly now. Having words for these experiences doesn’t create the problem, it just puts it in the daylight. If you focus on outside “trends,” you may miss the practical work of rebuilding trust.
That work usually requires more than one heartfelt talk. Whiten recommends therapy that explores your own family history and the blind spots it may have shaped in your parenting. She stresses that progress depends on genuine responsibility and real behavioral change, not image management or panic about losing your role. She also notes that adult children often worry their parents will find a therapist who only comforts them, what she jokingly calls a “ChatGPT therapist,” instead of someone who challenges them to grow.
If you’re navigating distance with your adult child, what kind of response feels hardest for you, listening without defending, apologizing without explaining, or changing old communication habits? Share your thoughts in the comments.
