A candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant might be the go-to choice for a first date, but a growing number of couples are skipping the reservation line and heading straight to the kitchen instead. Cooking together has quietly become a surprisingly popular idea for a second or third date, striking a balance between intimacy and casualness that a formal dinner out simply can’t replicate. It breaks the ice without the stiffness of a structured evening, and it gives both people something to actually do with their hands. But is there more to it than just romantic vibes and a home-cooked meal?
According to psychologist Dr. Deborah Gilman, the answer is a resounding yes. Speaking to The Kitchn, she explained that “cooking together on a second or third date creates a perfect balance between connection and controlled chaos. It’s not just charming, it’s neurologically smart.” The science behind this has to do with the brain’s bonding systems being activated through collaborative tasks. As Gilman put it, “shared tasks like cooking activate the brain’s bonding systems, encouraging the release of oxytocin and dopamine, the same feel-good chemicals present in early romance and, interestingly, when you pet puppies.”
The trend has even caught the attention of the dating industry. In 2023, dating app Tinder teamed up with meal kit company HelloFresh to launch a campaign promoting date-night recipes. As part of that initiative, Tinder revealed that 81% of Americans believe preparing a home-cooked meal for a date signals that a relationship is becoming serious. They also noted that cooking on a date typically doesn’t happen until around the fifth outing, suggesting that when it does happen earlier, it carries a certain boldness and intentionality that can accelerate the connection between two people.
That said, cooking together is not without its pitfalls. Melissa Legere, a licensed marriage and family therapist, points out that while the kitchen can build closeness, it can just as easily stir up conflict. “It can be a poor choice if one or both people feel high anxiety around cooking or have a strong need for control, because the kitchen can surface stress, perfectionism, or power struggles,” Legere explained. Tackling an overly ambitious or complicated recipe on an early date may set the stage for tension rather than romance, especially if expectations aren’t aligned from the start.
Still, those potential friction points are part of what makes the experience so revealing. Gilman notes that cooking together offers a real-time window into someone’s communication style and how they handle stress. She points out that you’ll notice all sorts of telling details that translate to how a relationship might function, adding that if someone leaves a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, it’s worth asking yourself how likely they are to emotionally clean up after themselves. It’s the kind of candid character insight that no amount of dinner conversation over a restaurant table can provide.
If you do try a cooking date and discover that your partner loses their cool faster than a pot of water boils, or that they skip basic hygiene steps in the kitchen, experts suggest those observations are worth taking seriously. The date format essentially doubles as a low-stakes compatibility test, offering clues about temperament, flexibility, and consideration that might otherwise take months to surface. As Legere puts it, it may be time to try a new recipe with someone else entirely if the experience reveals a fundamental mismatch.
For those curious about the broader psychology at play, oxytocin is often called the “bonding hormone” and is released during physical touch, eye contact, and cooperative activities, all of which naturally occur when two people navigate a shared space like a kitchen. Dopamine, on the other hand, is associated with pleasure and reward, and its release during novel or mildly challenging experiences helps explain why trying something new together can create lasting positive memories. Researchers in relationship psychology have long found that couples who engage in new and slightly challenging activities together report higher levels of satisfaction than those who stick to routine outings. The concept is sometimes referred to as “self-expansion theory,” developed by psychologists Arthur and Elaine Aron, which suggests that people are drawn to partners who help them grow and experience new things. A cooking date, with all its minor chaos and collaboration, fits neatly into that framework.
Have you ever tried a cooking date, and do you think it’s a better way to get to know someone than a traditional restaurant dinner? Share your thoughts in the comments.
