When someone seems to glide through a breakup and start dating again almost immediately, it can look like confidence and emotional strength. Relationship advisers say it is often more complicated. Moving on quickly can be a way to dodge the messy work of grieving, reflecting, and rebuilding. From the outside it may seem like a clean new chapter, but certain habits can reveal that the old relationship is still running in the background.
One of the clearest tells is how often an ex comes up in conversation. It can happen casually, like comparing a new restaurant to a place they used to go together, or more intensely during intimate moments when the focus should be on the present. Studies on rebound relationships suggest people with weaker social support and lingering attachment are more likely to rush into something new. In that case, the new relationship can become a temporary patch rather than a genuine fresh start, as writers on YourTango have noted.
Another pattern is staying in contact with an ex even when it creates tension. Keeping a friendly line open can be normal in some situations, but it can also keep emotional doors cracked wide open. Research on breakups has found that adjusting takes time, and frequent contact can complicate that process, especially for a new partner who feels like they are competing with a past bond. What looks harmless can quietly undermine trust.
Social media can make it even harder to let go. People who are not truly over a relationship may keep tabs on an ex’s posts, likes, and stories with an intensity that feels almost automatic. Research on monitoring ex-partners suggests that both online and offline checking can prolong emotional attachment and slow down recovery. If a new relationship is starting under that shadow, it is hard for it to feel fully real.
Counselors also point to avoidance as a red flag. Relationship adviser Randy Skilton has said women are often more likely to process the pain head-on, while men may be more prone to pushing feelings aside and leaping into a new relationship. That can show up as dodging reminders, refusing to talk about what happened, or acting irritated when the past is mentioned. Avoidance can look like strength, but it often signals unfinished emotional business.
Secrecy is another warning sign, especially around messaging an ex. Relationship counselor Joan Jerkovich argues that right after a breakup, a healthy friendship foundation usually is not there yet, and the same logic applies to private DMs and late-night texts. When someone hides those conversations or becomes defensive about them, it can suggest unresolved emotions. Even more subtle is staying very close to an ex’s family, which some experts link to holding onto an identity that was built around the relationship, a dynamic noted in research dating back to 2006.
Have you ever dated someone who seemed to “move on” instantly, or have you been that person yourself? Share your take in the comments.
