Ghosting, the sudden decision to cut off contact without an explanation, has become a familiar part of modern communication, especially when so much of our social life happens through messages. For the person left on read forever, it can feel confusing, personal, and needlessly harsh. But a newer psychological take suggests the urge to disappear is not always about cruelty or arrogance. In many cases, it can be a reflexive attempt to feel safe.
Clinical psychologist Charlie Heriot-Maitland argues that ghosting can be sparked by the same internal system that reacts to threats. This part of the brain is built to protect us from perceived danger, not to help us build steady, healthy relationships. When someone feels overwhelmed by conflict, vulnerability, or the possibility of a difficult conversation, their nervous system may push them toward avoidance as the fastest route to relief. It is not necessarily thoughtful or fair, but it can be powerfully automatic.
In his book Controlled Explosions in Mental Health, Heriot-Maitland frames ghosting alongside other habits many people label as self-sabotaging, like procrastination or harsh self-criticism. The idea is that these behaviors can be attempts to manage fear, even if they backfire. If someone believes a conversation will spiral into confrontation, rejection, or shame, going silent might feel like the safest option in the moment. The problem is that what calms the body short term can create real damage over time.
He calls ghosting a “compromise” from a survival perspective, a move that lowers immediate stress while slowly undermining trust and connection. In comments shared with Newsweek, he describes how the nervous system tends to choose whatever feels safest right now, even if that choice creates long-term consequences. That is why ghosting can happen even in situations where the stakes seem low. It is not always a planned decision, but it still leaves a mark.
This doesn’t mean ghosting should be excused or normalized. It means the most useful response is not always moral outrage. Heriot-Maitland warns that labeling ghosting as lazy, rude, or toxic can deepen shame and make change less likely. A better question is whether silence is serving a protective purpose, or quietly shrinking someone’s life by teaching them to avoid every uncomfortable moment.
If you’ve been ghosted, it can help to remember that someone else’s disappearance often says more about their coping style than your worth. If you’re tempted to ghost, even a short message that closes the loop can be a small act of courage and respect. Where do you think ghosting fits in today’s relationships, and have you ever seen it come from fear rather than indifference? Share your thoughts in the comments.
