Many parents look at their children and worry that something essential has gone missing. They remember pushing through boredom, working hard, and grinding toward goals, and then they watch their kids stall at the first sign of frustration. The disappointment can show up surprisingly early, even in preschool, and it often spikes during the teen years when adults fear their child is wasting chances to build a future. Clinical psychologist Samantha Rodman Whiten argues that before we label kids as unmotivated, parents should “introspect deeply about why you think this” and consider what might be shaping that perception.
One reason the gap feels so wide is that memory is unreliable. Adults tend to recall their own adolescence as more focused than it actually was, especially when they compare it to a child who seems distracted by friends, sports, or screens. Rodman Whiten points out that parents may not have been “that much harder or work-focused” than their kids if they truly examine those years. In other words, the comparison can start from a highlight reel rather than the full story, which makes the present look worse than it is.
Even when a parent truly did work harder, it does not automatically mean the child is falling behind in life skills. Rodman Whiten describes how an adult might remember a summer job as proof of character, while forgetting what was missing elsewhere. A parent could have been clocking long shifts but never joined a team, never built close friendships, and never learned how to navigate social complexity. Meanwhile, a teen without a job might be thriving in athletics and relationships, building the kind of social intelligence that pays off for decades.
Parenting style also matters more than many people want to admit. Rodman Whiten notes that some adults developed strong drive because they grew up in poverty or instability and felt they had to climb out. Others were raised in homes where guilt and obligation were heavy, and the message was that love depended on achievement. Many of those adults now parent in the opposite direction because they promised themselves they would never use shame as motivation, and they would never make their happiness hinge on a child’s results.
When parents create comfort and security on purpose, it can change the fuel that powers ambition. Rodman Whiten writes that kids raised with stability are often less “hungry” to escape their circumstances, because there is nothing to run from. If college costs are handled and home feels safe, a teen’s worries become less survival based and more about everyday choices and identity. That does not make them lazy, it can mean the pressure that once forced maturity has been removed.
This is where expectations can quietly become impossible. A parent who had to pay their own way might struggle to empathize with a child who does not feel the same urgency. Rodman Whiten suggests that the emotionally secure child is more likely to become “secure, emotionally healthy” and less prone to anxiety, which is a powerful long term advantage. The friction starts when parents interpret calm as complacency and mistake a lack of panic for a lack of character.
Another trap is assuming your child should be a smaller version of you. Parents often understand genetics in theory but still expect their temperament, interests, and intensity to reappear in the next generation. Rodman Whiten describes how a driven parent can feel blindsided by a kid who drifts, daydreams, or lacks follow through. When the goal is a mini me, every difference can feel like a failure, even when it is simply a different personality.
Rodman Whiten also challenges the idea that grit can be manufactured without consequences. Parents can sign kids up for tough programs, year round sports, and demanding schools, yet still provide a level of emotional safety they never had themselves. She calls that outcome “very positive,” because constant fear and insecurity are not the price of success that most families truly want to pay. A child who is securely attached and not anxious may simply have fewer reasons to obsess over achievement, and that trade can be healthier than it looks in the short term.
There is also a bigger cultural layer that helps explain why perseverance looks different now. Many families have shifted toward protecting mental health, encouraging emotional expression, and taking burnout seriously, and those values can reduce the old school grind mentality. At the same time, kids face a world packed with choices and distractions, which can make commitment harder even for motivated teens. What reads as quitting might sometimes be a child trying to find a better fit rather than forcing themselves through misery.
In general psychology, perseverance is often discussed alongside the concept of grit, which is the ability to sustain effort and interest toward long term goals. Researchers and clinicians commonly separate healthy persistence from rigid stubbornness, because pushing through everything is not always wise. Modern parenting conversations also draw on attachment theory, which emphasizes that children thrive when caregivers are consistent and emotionally responsive. When kids feel safe, they are freer to explore and take risks, but they may be less driven by fear, and that can look like lower urgency from the outside.
If you are worried about your child’s motivation, one helpful move is to focus less on comparing lives and more on observing what your child actually sticks with. Notice whether they show persistence in friendships, hobbies, sports, music, art, or problem solving, even if it is not the exact path you would pick. Then set expectations that match your child’s temperament while still teaching responsibility, follow through, and resilience. Share your thoughts on whether you think kids today are truly less persistent, or just persistent in different ways, in the comments.
